John’s Blog

Misadventures in Knitting

Not sure if this story is interesting or not but it’s a weird experience and I felt it warranted mentioning. Also you don’t have to read it. You could go read a different blog, or write your own post. Let me live my life! Anyway. Before… Back when COVID-19 initially became a major inconvenience, I…

A Few Scary Stories

Happy Thanksgiving! In honor of this holiday all about eating too much food with your relatives, I decided I’d write some horror stories for you. Or at least, horror stories from my perspective. It’s seasonally appropriate! The Midnight ShiftImagine, if you will, that you’re a twenty year old man working at a library. Let’s say…

John’s Movie Pitches Part 3

I’ve decided to continue my weird, time-honored tradition of posting at least five brilliant movie ideas every three months. I’m not sure how much of a tradition it is because this is only my third time doing it. And is it really a tradition or is it just a pattern? How many times do you…

Why Do I Love Superheroes?

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m a little obsessed with comic books and comic book movies in general. They’re a pretty big part of my life, and they always have been. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I know more about the worlds of Marvel and DC comics than I know about current…

Quarantining Outside My Comfort Zone

DISCLAIMER: This post was written one week before I plan on posting it, so by the time this is published I will no longer be in quarantine and I will have rejoined the real world. Just wanted to make that clear so as to dissuade any worries. So a few months ago I made a…

Can’t The Story Just Write Itself?

Charlie had been staring at his computer screen for exactly one hour, forty-three minutes and seventeen seconds. In this time he had averaged two blinks every thirty minutes, and had only turned away from the computer three and a half times. Two of those times were so he could flip the novelty hourglass he kept…

Something is Happening

Today I’m moving back to Duluth. The city of fog, barber shops and sandwiches. And in three days I’ll be beginning my sophomore year of college. And you may be thinking “That’s very exciting. I bet, given all I know about John, that he’s feeling excited, prepared, and not the least bit overwhelmed. And at…

Nothing is Happening

Today’s my day off! I could try and rope someone into taking me to Grand Marais, but I’d much rather sit around and do nothing. But I also wanted to write a blog post. And since I’m doing nothing, I’m going to write about nothing. Real stream of consciousness shit. Completely different from my other…

A Modern Fairy Tale

I wanted to start writing short stupid stories in different formats. And this week I decided to write my own fairy tale. It’s not like we have any good new fairy tales, right? It’s all pigs and wolves and shoes and beanstalks and other crap. Let’s get some new blood in there. I’m sick of…

Canoeing Outside My Comfort Zone

For many reasons that don’t really make sense, I chose to spend my summer working at a summer camp that sends campers out on canoe portaging trips in the Boundary Waters. Despite the fact that it isn’t something I would normally do, I’ve been having a pretty good time so far. I just returned from…

More of John’s Movie Pitches!

About three months ago I decided that the best way to break into Hollywood was to tell them my ideas directly. That way they could come to me and option all my excellent movie ideas. But for some reason, nobody ever contacted me about any of my pitches. I’ve thought long and hard about why…

I Tried To Write A Song

I’m not the first person to point out how unrealistic some songs can be. You could go on Spotify right now and listen to over a thousand different songs about getting drunk and partying and having the best day of your life. Now I’ve never gotten drunk myself, but from what I’ve heard from people…

Stuck In An Elevator

A few months ago I was at work during an extremely short campus-wide power outage. It was probably about five seconds long. But I kept saying to everyone how I wished I had been in the elevator when it happened. How that would be such a great story to have. Everyone looked at me like…

An Ode To Spring

It feels as if the ground is buckling under me with each slippery step. The unforgiving concrete has been coated with what must have once been a fine white powder. But now the thick paste surrounding my soaking feet looks a lot more like day-old excrement. No matter how far up the hill I seem…

My Greatest Fear

Welcome to my fiftieth blog post!!! I did it! Yaaaaaaaaay. Thank you to everyone who has read my posts so far. And no thank you if you aren’t reading my blog. I can definitively say that if you’ve never read my blog then you aren’t my friend and I don’t like you. Because you aren’t…

I Rewatched Space Jam: A New Legacy And This Is The Full Review!

Full spoilers for this full review of this bad movie that I love! About five months ago I attempted to rewatch my favorite/least favorite movie, Space Jam: A New Legacy. My plan was to provide 115 thoughts I had while watching it, because this movie is 115 minutes long. But the awesomeness that is this…

Superpowers

Because I’m a known comic book fan I’ve been asked many times which superpower I would want to have. It’s an interesting question that I’ve thought about a lot, but I’ve never really come up with a definitive answer. Lately all the answers I can think of are mostly negative self-deprecative ideas that would inevitably…

I Finished Rewatching Space Jam: A New Legacy And I Need A Hug

More spoilers for this horrible movie that I love. A long time ago I decided to do a live reaction review of Space Jam: A New Legacy and post 115 thoughts I had about the film on my blog. I made it through half of the movie before I couldn’t take it anymore, and the…

Some Nerdy Ramblings About The Batman(Not A Review)

As I said in the title, this is not a review of The Batman, because I won’t get to see that until the day after I’m releasing this. This is more of a cathartic exercise for me. I’ve gotten way too excited for this movie, and I want to get rid of some of the…

John’s TV Show Pitches!

Following the immense success of my five weird movie pitches, I thought I should take my talents to another industry entirely. Why stop with movies when I can make way more money off these incredibly lucrative ideas I have? It’s time for me to take my talents to TV! Hoopy Days – Hoop Springs EternalWillard…

John’s Movie Pitches!

I have a lot of really weird ideas rolling around in my head that I just need to get on paper. So I thought I could do it in the form of movie pitches! So we’ll see how this goes. And if anyone has any suggestions on how to continue to avoid finishing my Space…

I’m Just So Tired

I fell asleep during my Communications class again today. The teacher didn’t notice, because he’s teaching 120 students in a big lecture hall. It sounds like I didn’t snore this time, and I doubt anyone else noticed. I also record the lectures for this class, so I really didn’t miss anything. It’s all good. At…

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

As I step out the door I feel the chill begin to creep through my bodyIf I don’t move quickly I soon won’t be able to move at allI’m ten feet away from my apartment and my legs are already going numbI knew I should’ve worn something thicker than my Space Jam: A New Legacy…

Technical Difficulties

Okay. This is it. you’re going to write a blog post. No more distractions. You can’t keep staring off into the distance. You have to get something done. The ideas won’t come to you out of nowhere, and the post certainly won’t write itself. You gotta focus, John. Stop letting random and useless thoughts get…

It’s Time To Talk About January 14th

What is it about holidays that makes them think they’re better than normal days? What makes December 25th better than October 9th or April 23rd? I think it’s time we show more appreciation for regular days. Celebrate the in-between moments. Like January 14th. It’s not a holiday. There’s no significance. But isn’t that good? Holidays…

It’s 2022 Now! Yay…

For the sake of tradition, I will now write a list of things that I will not end up doing in the coming year, so I can look back at this and get super depressed 364 days from now. Let’s do it! Be funnier.Go on more adventures.Figure out how to make the stubble on your…

Merry Christmas To Me!

As a gift to myself I have decided not to write some long involved poem or joke interview or story about evil corporations. There are so many “funny takes” on the holiday season and I really just don’t see the point of adding my own. Especially because I’ve been focused on my posts for next…

An Assortment of Misadventures

John VS Plumbing A few nights ago the City of Duluth decided to turn off the water everywhere for reasons that remain unclear. This occurred at an inopportune time. I had just gone to the bathroom and I went to wash my hands. The bathroom faucet decided not to cooperate. “Hmmmmm.” I tried to turn…

Anxiety Doesn’t Sleep

The clock tells me that the time is currently 1:13 AM. My brain tells me I should sleep. My body tells me I should sleep. The fact that I have class in the morning means I should probably go to sleep. But I’d rather listen to podcasts, eat Wheaties, and play Project: Makeover. My brain…

Thanksgiving For The Thankless: Gobble Gobble

Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, enjoying some excellent turkey(Unless you’re vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian or something else I’m forgetting), and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year.…

Thanksgiving For The Thankless: No Strings Attached

Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. And nobody is thanking them. Over the…

Thanksgiving For The Thankless: Just Desserts

Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, eating good pie, and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. And nobody is thanking them. Over the last month I…

John VS His Stupid Brain

I’m usually listening to or watching something if I can. A podcast or some music, or some dumb TV show or movie. Because I hate being alone with my thoughts. I have too much to get done and I can’t deal with all the depressing crap my mind pumps out. “What’ll happen when I die?”…

In Honor Of The Sexiest Man Alive

I’d prefer not to put out two posts in the same day, but this man deserves it. At time of writing, I have yet to buy my two copies of his magazine, but first chance tomorrow, I’m running down to the grocery store to get them. If you’re reading this, you probably know about this…

A Reflection on Television

I’d be able to get so much done if other, more creative people would just stop making things. Like most human beings, I have ADHD, so if I see something shiny and entertaining, I’m probably gonna ditch whatever I’m working on to go see what this shiny thing is about. Which is difficult, because my…

Am I Too Hard On Myself? I Don’t Think So.

Today I took a Jefferson Lines bus home for fall break. It’s my second time on the Jefferson Lines, but this time instead of booking a bus leaving from Campus, I booked one that would board at the bus station downtown. It showed me no option for a bus leaving from campus, so I booked…

A Truly Scary Story

It begins with a stuffed mouse. It has distinctly round black ears that could be recognized from any distance. At the end of it’s cartoonish snout lies a spherical black knob of a nose. Hidden beneath the nose is a large, toothy, friendly grin. The mouse wears bright red shorts, yellow shoes, and distinct white…

Why Pitch Perfect and Monsters University are the Same Movie: A Contemplation

This is something I’ve wanted to write about for some time now, as it’s a very clear comparison that not many people have made. At least, from what I can tell. But when I’ve told people this, I’ve been mocked and ridiculed. People think that I’m not serious just because I’m comparing two seemingly different…

Intro To John

Welcome to my blog! This project means a lot to me, so I wanted to thank you for your support. I can’t promise that every post will be brief, but I can promise that most of the things I say will be completely idiotic. I learned how to read when I was two years old.…

The Never Ending Battle

I’m lost Struggling Grasping for breath beneath the unrelenting waves Of tacky desk confectionaries A nearby aisle assaults me with wicker baskets While I’m nearly strangled by some soft blankets The scented candles attempt to burn me alive I try to run To escape But trip over a fuzzy ottoman that’s been on sale since…