I Finished Rewatching Space Jam: A New Legacy And I Need A Hug

More spoilers for this horrible movie that I love.

A long time ago I decided to do a live reaction review of Space Jam: A New Legacy and post 115 thoughts I had about the film on my blog. I made it through half of the movie before I couldn’t take it anymore, and the thought that I still need to finish this review has haunted me ever since. So that’s what I’m going to do now! I have 55 thoughts left to go, and I may add some bonus thoughts at the end. But it’s time to finish this, once and for all.

1. Alright, welcome back all! As I said above it’s been a while since I started this review, so a quick recap: LeBron’s son was kidnapped by the great Al G. Rhythm and so he went into the Warner Brother’s Server-Verse to save him. Al G. challenged him to a basketball game and LeBron ended up recruiting only Loony Tunes for his team, due to Bugs Bunny manipulating the situation to his favor. We’re now one hour and five minutes in with fifty minutes remaining, and Al G. has filled the audience with various Warner Brother’s characters and LeBron’s fans and family as well. The basketball game is about to start, so it’s showtime! Oh, and the stakes of the game are that if LeBron loses, every human being who was sucked into the game(Using Dom James’ phone person scanny tech.) will be stuck in the Server-Verse with the rest of the Warner Bros characters for the rest of their lives. And the newly CGI-ified Loony Tunes will be deleted.
2. Apparently Dom didn’t listen to Don Cheadle say he’s going to trap everybody in the Server-Verse, and now he’s vehemently on Don’s side.
3. I cannot over-emphasize how dumb the Goon Squad looks. The effects are so terrible.
4. Oh, right, so this game was designed by Dom and has all these weird rules about style points. So they aren’t playing actual basketball, but a weird video game version with no real rules. Much of the next half of the movie will be about LeBron getting frustrated that this game isn’t basketball while other characters yell at him about how it doesn’t matter. But it kind of does matter? He was told he’d be playing basketball. It makes sense.
5. LIL’ REL HOWERY: (He’s speaking about Wet Fire)”Ooooooohhh, because he’s wet, and he’s fire. Heh. That’s kinda brilliant.”
   No, Lil’ Rel. No it is not.
6. Arachnneka is now dunking the ball over and over again against LeBron’s face? While some guy in an Adam West Batman suit and a woman in a Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman costume jeer at LeBron from behind. Tweety Bird is flying around LeBron’s post-knockout head because he’d dizzy and fazed. And after being told to not do anything loony, Bugs Bunny indignantly replies “We’re not called the fundamental tunes.” True cinema.
7. ERNIE JOHNSON: “Never in my career did I think I’d say these five words- Foghorn Leghorn just got ejected.” Ugh.
8. I think Don Cheadle changed his outfit again? I mean, Don, I understand you want to look good, but you nailed it with the silver denim. You don’t need to wear something new every scene.
9. It’s Chronos time, baby. Or the King Stomper, as he calls himself? I don’t know if anybody has told Al G. that LeBron isn’t actually a king. I was wondering why they kept calling it “Dame Time” when Chronos showed up, but apparently Chronos is based off some guy named Damian Lillard. All the Goon Squad members are based off of and voiced by pro basketball players. Wet Fire is Klay Thompson, the Brow is Anthony Davis, White Mamba is Diana Taurasi, and Arachnneka is Nneka Ogwumike. Oh, and Chronos slowed down time and dressed LeBron up as a pirate. Very funny.
10. Sweet, it’s halftime and all the Tunes are upset because they’re losing by so, so much. Which means it’s time for a great, great scene with the last great actor who appears in this movie. The team is all asking for a miracle, and in walks Sylvester the Cat with who he says is Michael Jordan! But it’s actually… Michael B. Jordan!!! One of the all-time great actors. So there, that’s the last great scene of this movie. All downhill from here.
11. Boo hoo. LeBron is sad because his son is playing for the other team. But now he’s finally learning that he needs to let the Loony Tunes, and his son, be themselves. So now he’s being nice to them and letting them be all goofy, even though they’re losing by exactly 1,002 points.
12. And now they’re starting to get points. Fun.
13. AL G. RHYTHM: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ROAD-RUNNER SMOKESCREEN?! THAT’S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!!!” Is it?
14. Oh, no… It’s rap time. The Loony Tunes are all wearing “cool” outfits, and Porky is about to rap. Because he has a stutter. And he’s the Notorious P.I.G. And he ends the rap by saying “That’s all folks”, all the loony tunes(And LeBron) dance to air horns, and Ernie Johnson says “He was spittin’ hot fire.” This is sad.
15. Now Al G. is wearing a red sweater over his silver outfit?
16. I would really like to punch LeBron James right now. I’m sure that’s something I shouldn’t be saying online, but it’s true.
17. Although if I had to say something good about this movie that I actually love, it’s that some of the Loony Tunes’ antics are a little funny and maybe slightly clever. At one point the Tasmanian Devil goes into the middle of the court and spins until the court flips around and the Brow scores for the Tunes on accident. Bugs Bunny does an old timey commentator bit where he says that the Brow freezes at the rim before he can dunk. And he does. And then Wile E. Coyote uses an ACME multiplier to send multiple silver basketballs(Because why have an orange basketball) into the other team’s hoop. And then he gets sucked into the machine and multiplies himself. So there’s some fun stuff.
18. Another new Don Cheadle outfit. He’s wearing his own team’s merch.
19. Chronos is being subbed back in, but wait! The Granny is subbing in! And apparently she’s “going old school on his butt”? OH MY GOD, THE GRANNY IS DOING THE MATRIX AGAIN! AND SHE TURNED CHRONOS INTO AN OLD MAN! AND LEBRON SAID SHE IS THE ONE! OH MY GOD THESE REFERENCES ARE SO COOL AND FUNNY OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
20. I’d like to write a personal message to whoever wrote the puns for this movie: “You’ve done a very bad thing. If you’d like to do anything but write dialogue, feel free. Because you clearly aren’t good at this.
21. LeBron is now just yelling “be yourself” at the Loony Tunes.
22. Apparently they’re making a Loony Tunes movie called Coyote VS ACME, where Wile E. Coyote sues the ACME corporation for always giving him things that don’t work. And Wile E. Coyote’s lawyer used to work for the lawyer who’s defending ACME. And James Gunn is going to produce, with Will Forte and John Cena joining the cast. Now doesn’t that sound way more interesting and creative THAN THIS?!?!
23. And LeBron is now having a heart to heart with his son in the middle of the game. It might actually have real emotional reverence if LeBron James could act. Or if the son he’s reconciling with wasn’t an actor playing his son.
    UPDATE: Since I finished this review I watched the Judd Apatow movie Trainwreck for the first time, and LeBron makes a small cameo as himself being really frugal and complaining about all his teammates who keep spoiling Downton Abbey for him. And it’s really, really funny. He’s LeBron James, but he’s also besties with Bill Hader’s character. It’s great. So apparently he can act and be funny, but he’s given no opportunity to be funny in this. I take back every negative thing I said about you, LeBron. Except I don’t because you willingly participated in this.
24. Now Don Cheadle is yelling at Pete because Pete was emotionally touched by the reconciliation. “THERE’S NO CRYING IN THE SERVER-VERSE, PETE!” Again, great references. Also I hate Pete. So unnecessary.
25. Oh, and the second Dom joins the Tune Squad, Bugs Bunny says “What’s up, Dom?” This is why I think they changed the name of his real son to Dom. I am almost certain that the only reason they named him Dom was so they could do this one joke, right now. Usually I would applaud such commitment, but I consider this to be morally disgusting.
26. And also, Lola Bunny says that it’s so nice to finally meet Dom James. You’ve been playing the game with him this entire time!!! It’s not that big a court! Why are we pretending that the two of you haven’t interacted even once in the last forty minutes of the movie.
27. Uh oh, guys. Don Cheadle is mad. He said it isn’t Dom’s game anymore. Apparently Al G. is the game now. I don’t think that’s true, though. Dom programmed the game, even if Don Cheadle brought it to life. I mean, if I didn’t know any better I’d say that he wasn’t speaking literally. But what do I know?
28. AL G. RHYTHM: “KING KONG AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ON ME!” (King Kong gets upset and crosses his arms)
    What are you doing here, King Kong? Don’t you have to go find some weird axe in the center of the Earth and then jump to Hong Kong and fight Godzilla and a Godzilla robot? I’m not letting you off the hook here, buddy. Some of the fictional characters watching this game were only in one lazily-written blockbuster last year. How come you’re in two?
29. Don Cheadle is now like nine feet tall and super jacked, but in a really fake, bad-looking way. And he’s changed his outfit, yet again, to a Goon Squad jersey and sweats.
30. Of course his Jersey has a Nike logo on it. And the Tunes’ jerseys do too. And why not? If there isn’t a marketable brand’s logo visible in every shot of this film, then what’s the point, right?
31. Last year Lil’ Rel was in this and Free Guy. I wonder if he just doesn’t do movies unless he can play a digital character that acts exactly like him? Well, that and buddy comedies with John Cena. Unless his character in Vacation Friends is also a digital character, but one that’s having a really stressful wedding because of some weird people he met? I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard it’s alright.
32. Sorry if I’m rambling a lot. It’s very easy to get distracted during this movie.
33. This movie doesn’t look good, by the way. I’ve been paying more attention to cinematography lately, because I think the way films are shot is just as integral to the process. It doesn’t matter if the movie is good if it doesn’t look good. This movie is an example of a bad movie that looks bad. A recent example of a good movie that looks good is The Batman! It was filmed in Glasgow, so every shot of Gotham is rainy and foggy and grimy, but also darkly beautiful. And the different camera angles and tracking shots they use in that make everything look so vivid and fun. Whereas in this, it is astonishingly clear that everything was filmed on a green screen. There are no clever camera angles either. And that’s not to say that something looks bad just because it isn’t shot on location in a real place. The Mandalorian is shot on something called “the volume” which is this weird form of green screen that looks so realistic, you can’t even tell that the actors aren’t on a sound stage. If that tech is used correctly, you can still have a good-looking movie. That isn’t the case here, obviously. Although the effects being terrible and the film looking bad doesn’t discredit all the effects people that slaved away to make this movie.
34. AL G. RHYTHM: “Yo, King! You’re about to lose your family, your friends, those Tunes! Everything you love.”
    LEBRON JAMES: “I don’t think so.”
    I just adore the witty banter and great comebacks that this movie has to offer.
35. Don just reversed a shot that the Tunes made and stole their points back, while an animatic that said “CHEAT CODE” flashed on the screen. I guess he’s being honest and dropping the charade? But if he wasn’t going to let them win then why would he go through this stupid thing in the first place?
36. Okay, so because Daffy Duck called Al G. a “son of a glitch”, Dom has now remembered that when he showed his Dad his video game, Dom tried a step-back and his character glitched out and had its programming erased. So now somebody has to sacrifice themself in order to cause a glitch in the game and take back control from Al G. Rhythm. Because nobody involved in the creation of this movie has ever played a video game.
37. LeBron’s justification is that he can do the move because he isn’t a video game character and won’t get deleted.
38. Wow, Bugs Bunny just gave a meaningful look like he’s going to cut in and do the glitch move before LeBron can. I wonder if he’s going to?
39. Don Cheadle really went out of his way to be taller than LeBron James.
40. No Bugs Bunny, don’t do the sacrifice move. YoU’lL bE dElEtEd. As we all know, a word with alternating capitals is meant to imply a heavy coating of sarcasm. But it also just made me realize that the word Delete has three E’s in it. Cool.
41. Oh No, BuG’s DiD tHe SaCrIfIcE mOvE. wHyYyYyYyYyYyYy?!?!?! I’m SoOoOoOoOo SaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaDdDdDdD.
42. Who’s gonna get the ball?! Is it LeBron or Al G. Rhythm? Who’ll get the point?!?!
43. The glitch in the game somehow makes the effects look worse, by the way.
44. OH YAY, DOM THREW A BOUNCE PAD UNDER HIS DAD’S FEET SO HE JUMPED FURTHER AND WON!!! YAY!!!
45. And Al G. Rhythm got posterized? Which is some weird feature that Dom added to his game? Lame and weird.
46. And the good guys won. How nice.
47. Oh right, Bugs Bunny is still dying. And the Tunes all went back to being animated. I honestly prefer the weird CGI versions of them to them being animated in a live action setting.
48. Bugs Bunny faded into golden light when he died? I hate this weird trope of fictional characters fading into nothingness when they die. What’s wrong with decomposing corpses that expel feces when they die? Let’s be realistic for once.
49. Yay, Malik is back. I love you, Malik. I hope you’re not based off of Lebron’s real personal assistant though. Because you are not good at your job.
50. And now we’re time jumping to one week later. I don’t think you really need to say that though? The audience isn’t as dumb as this movie. They understand the passage of time.
51. This part is great. LeBron is taking Dom to basketball camp, and Dom thinks it will be fun because they got sucked into a video game and he needs to take a break. And LeBron is acting all coy because they’re obviously going to video game camp.
52. Sorry, I guess it’s called GAME DESIGN CAMP. However did I get that wrong?
53. There was no part of me that thought this movie would end differently. As soon as this argument about camps began I knew it would end with LeBron taking Dom to video game camp(GAME DESIGN CAMP). Because this movie is so predictable. And again, that’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s good to be generic, right?
54. LEBRON JAMES: “Hey, Dom. Ball?”(Dom thought he was going to basketball camp so he brought a basketball, which I’m sure wasn’t a requirement.)
    DOM: “I think I’mma hold onto it.”
    This is legitimately the funniest part of this movie because it makes no sense at all. The implication is obviously that because they resolved their argument, Dom is going to still pursue basketball, while also doing video game stuff, which he likes. But this is the dumbest way to get that across. WHY WOULD HE WALK AROUND VIDEO GAME CAMP(GAME DESIGN CAMP) WITH A BASKETBALL ALL DAY?! IT’S POINTLESS! GIVE YOUR DAD THE BALL? AND DOES HE EVEN HAVE ANY OF HIS VIDEO GAME CODING THINGS WITH HIM? I CAN SEE THAT HE HAS HYPERX HEADPHONES STRAPPED TO HIS BACKPACK SINCE THE LOGO IS CONVENIENTLY VISIBLE, BUT IT WOULD’VE BEEN NICE IF LEBRON TOLD HIM IN ADVANCE SO HE COULD BRING THE THINGS HE NEEDED. THIS REVEAL DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE IT MAKES LEBRON SEEM LIKE HE CARES MORE ABOUT SURPRISING HIS SON THAN MAKING SURE HIS SON IS PREPARED FOR VIDEO GAME CAMP. AND THIS BIT ABOUT THE BASKETBALL DIDN’T EVEN MAKE IT INTO THE JUNIOR NOVELIZATION SO DID IT EVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN?! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE!!!
55. And Bugs Bunny is back? He says he can survive anything. But maybe he should explain why he’s suddenly alive. Anyway he’s alive and he brought all the tunes to stay at LeBron’s house. And the credits are all pictures and Instagram posts of the Tunes doing real world things. Wait, credits? Hold on, is this the 55th thought? OH MY GOD, IT’S OVER. I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonus Thoughts

1. The last line of the movie is Bugs saying “You can’t get rid of us, Doc. We’re family now.” This is odd for a couple reasons. For one, my friend Rahul claimed that they say family more times in this movie than in F9, which is probably false. They notoriously love to say family in those movies. But again, I find it hilarious that this movie is meant to be about family, but LeBron’s family isn’t in it. Also Rahul hasn’t seen any of those movies, so his opinion doesn’t count. Rahul, if you’re reading this I want you to know that you’re a fraud. How dare you talk about movies you haven’t seen, even if I do that literally all the time?
2. When I saw this in the theater with Rahul and my other friend Sam, the people behind us clapped. Sam didn’t understand why, and started laughing. I replied by making a joke I am very proud of, and have repeated many times since: “Clapping at the end of Space Jam: A New Legacy is like applauding a person for giving you a vasectomy.” It’s been a while since I made that joke, but I still stand by it.
3. As much as I make fun of this movie, I don’t really think it’s the worst. It’s not even the worst movie that came out last year. That was Home Sweet Home Alone, which wasted a bunch of comedic legends on an equally generic script.
4. As you can tell, I’ve gone back and forth on whether I enjoy this movie or not many times. But I think there is fun to be had while experiencing this truly cringey and badly written cultural phenomenon. Also I have 16 Space Jam: A New Legacy socks, and they’re the only socks I’ve worn for the past three months.
5. I will go to my grave saying that Don Cheadle deserves an Oscar for making this movie even slightly enjoyable. I love you, Don Cheadle. You can do no wrong. Actually you have, you’ve been in a lot of bad movies. But I still love you.

Well, there you have it. My review thingy is finally finished and now I’m free. At some point I’m thinking of doing one of these for another terrible movie that I love. It would probably be Kangaroo Jack, but we’ll see if I decide to do it. Also I plan to put parts of this together in one post soon, so it can all be in one place. That way people can read this as they watch the movie, like I’m watching it with you! Nobody will do that. But if you do, let me know. In the meantime, I’d like to thank you for reading this, if you survived through to the end! And stay tuned(Heh. Loony Tunes) for more dumb things to be added to this blog until the end of time!!! Or the end of my patience. Whichever comes first.