Full spoilers for this immediately. I’m not stepping around this. Nobody saw it except for me and my friend Jackson. And I’m not sure he’ll be my friend for long if I keep asking him to see these kinds of movies with me.

Kraven The Hunter stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ariana DeBose, Fred Hechinger, Alessandro Nivola, Christopher Abbott, Russell Crowe, Levi Miller, Billy Barratt, and Susan Aderin. It was written by Matt Holloway, Art Marcum, and Richard Wenk. It was directed by J.C. Chandor.

Well, here we are. Last year we finally said goodbye to the “DCEU”, the ill-defined rambling universe that ran for ten years, never quite came together cohesively, fundamentally misunderstood the DC universe for much of the run, and produced some real stinkers along the way. They went out with a whimper, with one of the worst movies ever made (The Flash), two extremely mediocre films with bright spots (Shazam! Fury of the Gods and Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom), and a movie that was more fun and enjoyable than it had any right to be (Blue Beetle). This year we say goodbye to an even worse universe, which never managed to rise above mediocrity to produce a good film like Wonder Woman and Birds of Prey or a great one like The Suicide Squad or Shazam!

I refer of course to the Sony Pictures Universe of Marvel Movies, or, as I like to call it, the Because We Can Universe. And it angers me that they put these films out for public consumption. I’m glad they said they’re basically done making these movies because you can tell so little effort was put into Venom 3 and it’s still making money. Possibly because some people are idiots and a studio can repackage their low-effort Moana streaming series into a low-effort movie with bad songs and millions of parents will spend lots of money to take their kids to it anyway. I’m off-track. Initially I was going to write a short review of this movie like I did with The Last Dance, but quickly I realized there’s far too much to say. So let’s do this. Let’s delve into what I hope is the end of Sony’s Spider-Man villains but they’re vague anti-heroes saga.

Quick Plot Rundown –
Sergei Kravinoff is the son of the vaguest mob boss in the world. His mother killed herself early on to get away from this apparently horrible man, and this, coupled with the traumatic experience of getting mauled by a lion and brought back to life by an African family’s potion thingy, he leaves home and abandons his brother so he can learn how to use his new generic superpowers for good. In the present day, there is a mythical assassin named Kraven the Hunter, and nobody believes or guesses that it might be this Kravinoff dude. He hunts and kills horrible criminals. But he finds himself in the crosshairs of a sweaty man who calls himself the Rhino because if he doesn’t drink juice from a backpack he carries everywhere, he’ll go gray.
The Rhino kidnaps Sergei’s brother Dmitri and so Sergei, with the help of Calypso, the one who gave him a potion, must track down his brother and defeat the Rhino. Which he does. And he has to fight a man who can make people forget him for three seconds at a time. Also someone was pulling the strings. It’s his vaguely evil dad, Russell Crowe. And his brother becomes a villain at the end not because it made sense for his character in this, but because he’s one in the comics. Sound generic? Yes. It is. And there’s so much more going on. I’m genuinely excited to talk about this one.

Oh also this is normally where I would give non-spoilery thoughts, but to be clear, it’s baaaaad. On a scale of these movies, it’s better than Morbius. It’s maybe on-par with Madame Web but not as funny. The first two Venoms are probably better than this from a technical and writing standpoint but I’m gonna discount the first one because it’s so boring and who cares. God, what a universe. Not a person on this Earth can look me in the eye and say anything recent from the MCU is worse than these. Even if you didn’t like Love and Thunder, if you thought Eternals was boring, if you’re weird and hateful and have some grudge against women being in things and The Marvels and She-Hulk are the worst things that ever happened to you, you’re still wrong. From an objective standpoint, you’re wrong. Even Secret Invasion, the worst thing Marvel has ever made, is slightly better than all of this.

Characters –
Sergei Kravinoff AKA Kraven the Hunter – Aaron Taylor-Johnson
I really like Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He’s a good actor. Watch Nocturnal Animals and Bullet Train if you disagree. He’s so attractive in Bullet Train. In this? Fucking terrible. Irredeemably bad. I don’t think it’s his fault. It’s a Sony movie. Half of his dialogue was clearly recorded off-screen months later. And for some reason they decided he should have the American accent of a dude bro who welcomes you on a skateboard barefoot to your first day at his open floor startup with ergonomic chairs. “What flavor vape do you want, dawg? My name’s Kraven.”
Most of the film is spent telling you he’s the greatest hunter in the world and he kills using the techniques of the animal kingdom, if the animal kingdom used crossbows and darts and shit. I don’t know. I mean, it’s classic Sony just completely misunderstanding the character, who’s just meant to be a maniacal insane Russian big game hunter. Instead he’s a prick in a dome in the jungle killing people who harvest horns from animals. And sure, you’re doing a good thing, but shut up man.

Dmitri Kravinoff AKA The Chameleon – Fred Hechinger
So maybe I’ve missed the appeal of this guy, I haven’t seen White Lotus, apparently this Hechinger guy is really good in season one. Everyone on the internet is like “I love this guy, cast him in everything, he’s so good in Gladiator 2.” And you know what? No! I’m sick of this guy! He showed up in three movies I watched within a couple of weeks and he was annoying in all of it! He’s not bad in Thelma actually, but I had just seen this so I couldn’t pivot my anger. He’s the worst part of Gladiator 2! “Aw man, my life sucks, I’m sick of being this pale syphilitic creep who co-leads Rome with my brother who’s clearly a better actor, all I want to do is be loved and fuck my monkey.” What a whiny little bitch. And I know it’s the point of the role. But it doesn’t mean I have to like watching him do it. It’s like Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man, or Tobey Maguire in anything. He’s got such a punchable face.
And he’s doing the same thing in this, except it’s dialed up 1,000 percent. “Oh, why’d you abandon me brother? I hate our dad except I love doing perfect impressions of him that are clearly just me lip synching a recording of his voice, but now I defend our dad because I have Stockholm syndrome and he gave me a club where I can visibly lip synch to popular music! Wah wah wah wah wah.” In a movie full of bad characters, he’s the worst one. I just wanted someone to kill this dude. Oh also the funniest part is when he goes to America to get “stronger” he gets Chameleon powers instead of just putting on masks like in the comics. And now he can shapeshift and perfectly become anyone. Except when he shapeshifts into his brother he’s still a foot shorter than him. So if he does try to use these abilities it’ll never fully work, he’s just a little man. Also for some reason when he “camouflages” he switches through the white faced version from the comics, which makes no sense for this. Love it.

Nikolai Kravinoff AKA Russian Mob Daddy – Russell Crowe
In a movie full of vagueness, Russell Crowe’s character is the king of vague. I love everyone’s way of just talking about how powerful and important people are like it’s a badly written John Wick movie. “He’s the greatest hunter in the world, once you’re on his list you don’t come off.” No, you get crossed off the list when you die, that’s how lists work. “He’s the most evil mobster in the world.” Really? What does he do? What does his criminal empire revolve around? You want to give us some context other than just constantly telling us he’s evil? Because he never really does anything on-screen, he just wanders around with a scarf tied around him like a necktie saying slightly aggressive things in a Russian accent. It is funny to me that he’s in this and not Gladiator 2 in a flashback or something.

Calypso Ezili – Ariana DeBose
I get the impression Ariana DeBose is a great actress because I’ve heard as such, but I’ve only seen her in terrible things, or heard about terrible things she’s been in. So she should probably fire her agent. We get more vagueness with her. The entire purpose of her character is to be a person of color providing assistance to Kraven in whatever way he needs. At the start she’s the granddaughter of a weird mystic woman who gives her tarot cards and says “Here’s a potion you can use to heal someone, you’ll need to use it when you have to, and you’ll know when that is, and it’s good I’m giving it to you now cuz you’ll need it in like five minutes. Also I’m gonna give you another vial and we’re gonna pretend I didn’t because shush plot.” When she grows up she moves to England and becomes an incredibly successful lawyer, but I don’t know what she thinks being a lawyer is?
The first eight minutes, which were put on YouTube, show Kraven breaking into a prison and killing a dude purely because he knew he got Calypso’s friend killed and he wants to get her help. We meet her again at a funeral saying nondescript things about justice. Basically Kraven just wants to use her “connections” so he can hunt and kill criminals better. Oh and then towards the end of the movie she’s just great at using a crossbow. Ugh.

The Foreigner – Christopher Abbott
Again, this movie deserves some kudos for using villains from the comics. The Foreigner, who I’ve read like one comic with but didn’t remember this was his power, he’s apparently able to make people forget him for three seconds by looking them in the eye. And then he usually shoots them in the face. He does it once to the Rhino and his henchmen even though they hired him. The second time he uses his stupid power he gets closer to a guy and shoots him in the head, even though the other guy didn’t have a gun. He could’ve just shot him.
Initially I thought this was the stupidest power in the world, but honestly? It might be the best superpower. Being able to make people forget you and then just leave. That would be fucking awesome. Anyway, what a stupid character.

Aleksei Sytsevich AKA The Rhino – Alessandro Nivola
Alessandro Nivola belongs to two exclusive clubs. For one, he belongs to a club of actors who I see in trailers and I automatically know their name and then I look up their name to confirm I’m right and feel stupid I don’t know names of my relatives or where most countries are or a lot of things really but I can look at a picture of David Boreanaz and say “That’s David Boreanaz”. And two, he’s part of the Nicolas Cage scenery chewing club. It makes sense, he was his brother in Face/Off. And you know what? He’s kind of awesome in this. It’s not a good performance because he’s only mildly interesting most of the time but he’s got weird mannerisms and insane line readings and he’s always using his juicy backpack to become slightly less gray and sweaty. I don’t know, man. He’s nothing like the Rhino in the comics, and the scene with him at the end was clearly filmed late in the day. It sucks that he’s not really a big rhino. But still. I liked him enough. But not really.

Special Effects –
Some of the worst of this whole not-franchise really. Kraven has a weird zoom in effect where he can see really small objects he’s smelled from a distance that have weird yellow circles around them. And his powers, which I need to emphasize he doesn’t have in the comics, are bad weightless Morbius style he’s a bit strong and he can jump around and YOU KNOW WHAT NO THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT, THIS IS STUPID, I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE! I’VE REVIEWED TOO FUCKING MANY OF THESE AND I’VE LOST MY FUCKING WILL TO CONTINUE! FUCK THIS MOVIE! I KIND OF ENJOYED IT BUT FUCK THIS BOO BAD HORRIBLE AWFUL BLEH YUCK AGHGHGHGH!!!

Miscellaneous Thoughts
– Young Sergei Kravinoff is a bad actor. He’s mostly necessarily generic, but there’s a bit where he has to yell at his dad and it’s one of the worst line readings of the year. If you forget most of Megalopolis.
– Papa Kraven’s way of reacting to his wife’s death is telling his young sons she was weak and then bringing them on safari to shoot lions. Right before Kraven gets mauled by the lion he tells his brother “A true legend would fight fair. Do it one on one with only the tools you’re born with.” And then he sees a lion and aims his gun at it.
– As a kid Sergei teases Dmitri by flicking him at the back of the neck. I really wanted him to do it when he was older and had powers and just blow up his head.
– The Rhino becomes the villain because just before Sergei got mauled, Rhino was a friend of a friend who was joining Russell Crowe and his kids on bonding safari for reasons I don’t get and he pissed Russell off by trying to become evil business partners and Russell says something like “You are scum and I am with boys and I don’t see you as anything, you go now”. So Rhino comes for him years later because he’s sick of people underestimating him, which, fair, but read the room? It’s not the time, man.
– Kraven’s dad in retrospect obviously was the one who leaked video of Kraven doing Kraven stuff to Rhino so Rhino would come after him instead, because Pappy Kravinoff new his son wouldn’t willingly help him, and I should have seen the twist coming but I was so checked out I didn’t pick up on it.
– One of Calypso’s great lines is about her grandmother: “She died not long after that trip and I never saw her again”. That’s how death works, you idiot.
– When Kraven’s fighting the Rhino he says “My father wads right about one thing. You are nothing.” YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE FOR THAT CONVERSATION!
– This is verbatim a note I wrote while watching: “There’s a bit left of the save yourself animal kingdom juice and the Foreigner has paralysis juice. I wonder if the save yourself juice will negate the paralysis juice, and if the Rhino will stop using his anti-Rhino juice and Rhino out. This is nothing if not a film about many juices.”
– Kraven proxy kills his dad via CGI bear.
– Two times in this movie we get mentions of a New York geneticist doctor named Dr. Miles Warren, who gives Rhino rhino powers and Dmitri Chameleon powers. Miles Warren is a green fuzzy man named the Jackal who cloned a bunch of characters and kicked off the Clone Saga, one of the least popular Spider-Man comics because it went too long. It was nice to hear a name drop I guess.
– At the very end Pappy Kraven seemingly knew his son would kill him because he left him his mansion and a lion vest, but it doesn’t have the lion head like in the comics or the nipple lasers Kraven sometimes had in the 60’s (Epic shit) it’s just a furry vest. And as Pappy’s voiceover explains that he’s proud of him in a letter that’s written in perfect English but spoken in stereotypical broken Russian English where you skip every other word, Kraven stares at himself in the mirror like he’s in those SNL sketches where everyone’s blonde and talks about roads in California.

Should Kraven Return?
Honestly? Even after everything I said? Yeah, absolutely he should. As much as I squirmed in the theater and as much as it’s never going to come out because this is making no money, I would love another one. They’ve finally struck the right balance for me. It’s not good, but it’s more fun for me than Venom because they got the character wrong in an interesting way, it’s more entertaining than Morbius and it has more relevance than Madame Web. I want to see him fight his brother and the Jackal alongside his powerful voodoo lawyer friend who loves crossbows. I want a franchise of young idiots with no chemistry talking to each other about what the characters are. Would I rather have Jon Hamm play a psychopath big game hunter in Spider-Man 4? Yes, actually, do that. Get someone old and beefy and creepy and do that. But still. I think this one actually deserves a sequel.

Overall Rating: Either 2.3/10 or 15/10(It’s really weird. Just like Madame Web, I hate this movie to its very core, but it edges into so bad it’s good territory. So I’m not sure. Anyway I’m glad this universe is dead. I’ll watch their Nic Cage Spider-Man Noir show but then end it all except for Spider-Verse.)
Russian Rating: 1/10(The worst part of this is that Kraven’s sons were sent to American boarding school. I wanted crazy Russian accents from everyone all the time. Alas.)