I’d be able to get so much done if other, more creative people would just stop making things. Like most human beings, I have ADHD, so if I see something shiny and entertaining, I’m probably gonna ditch whatever I’m working on to go see what this shiny thing is about. Which is difficult, because my father has the baldest, most reflective head in existence. It’s like a miniature sun that is roughly the shape and size of a giant cherry tomato. You could point a light-up sneaker in his direction and it would shine back at you with the power of 3.8 billion Energizer bunnies doing the Macarena.
What was I talking about? Ah, yes. How I can get very easily distracted by weird things. Or any things. The other day I sat down to work on this assignment for my Human Diversity class. I was probably a sentence in when a magical being that bared a striking resemblance to Sally Field from the TV show The Flying Nun descended from the heavens. The Flying Nun is a very confusing property that makes less sense to me the more I think about it, and I will continue to talk about it until I have enough information to finally get to the bottom of why something like that would ever exist. Anyway, back to my obviously fake story about procrastination.
“John,” the magical being crooned, “Why art thou doing homework?”
“Because I came to College to learn. And also I want to get better at staying on top of assignments for when I hopefully get a job writing. Why, Oh Great Magical Being That Bares A Striking Resemblance To Sally Field In The TV Show The Flying Nun? Are you saying there’s a better way?”
I was worried. The magical being had that look in her eye that people get when they’re about to film an infomercial. That combination of regret and desperation, with just a hint of arrogance. A look that says “I’m going to do whatever it takes to be on TV. Even if I have to spend three hours of my life talking about a blender that works slightly worse than other blenders that cost much less. I’m never going to be famous if I don’t film something that only bed-ridden children and elderly people will watch.”
I was preparing to run when the being caught me off guard. Suddenly, I was transported to a large TV studio. Not Oprah large, but large enough to fit the 17 people that watch Twin Cities Live. The magical being now stood behind an unnecessarily long table.
“Introducing all seven seasons of Parks and Recreation on Peacock! It’s a show you’ve watched multiple times! You know almost every line by heart! There are so many better things you could be doing with your life! But why do better when you can do absolutely nothing?”
It was too late. The magical being had trapped me in her web of logic.
“Wow, thanks, Oh Great Magical Being That Bares A Striking Resemblance To Sally Field In The TV Show The Flying Nun! There really is a better way! How could I have been so foolish? I’ll never stop watching TV again!”
So, in summation, this is not just a blog post. It’s also a statement to all my teachers and employers, past, present, and future. If I miss a deadline, you can blame the alluring nature of modern pop culture. I am but a victim to a ruthless combination of ADHD and capitalism. Which is quite obvious when you consider that the title of this post implied it would be about something completely different, but I became distracted by my own tangent.
But if you are a future employer, please don’t use any of the dumb things I say on here to help determine whether or not you should hire me. I’m not this bad in real life, I promise.