As I’ve made it clear many times already, I am very psyched for the movie coming out next week. My inner child, the desperate fanboy, is so excited to see this movie and the newest trailers have only stoked the flames of said excitement. I’m aware people are frustrated the trailers are revealing so many cameos but we don’t really know much about the plot yet, do we? I don’t entirely love all the X-Men movies that have come before this, but I’d truly like to see what Ryan Reynolds has done now that he has all the toys and can do whatever he wants. I know some big spoilers in terms of characters that show up and the various Deadpools and Wolverines we might see, as I’ve read up on the 35 minutes of footage that have already been shown to fans, though it seems much of what we’ve seen in these trailers takes place primarily in those 35 minutes. So we’ll see, I suppose, whether the fan service and references become too much or if they’ve nailed it, but I do believe I’ll enjoy it much more than No Way Home in that it looks like a film that takes place in real places, and it’ll be more like Multiverse of Madness, a movie that felt like reading a comic book made by people who love comic books. Anyway, before we finally get Wolverine in costume, teaming up with Deadpool to fight Professor X’s evil sister and an assortment of X-Villains, let’s look back at the very rocky road through which we got here.

Things to look out for
A franchise that’s been going on for this long has a lot of tropes and reoccurring ideas and visual cues. Here are a few that I picked up on that manage to transcend and feature heavily in many of these movies:
– Bryan Singer being a terrible human being and bad writer (X1, X2, DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Hugh Jackman screaming (X1, X2, X3, Origins, The Wolverine, DOFP, Apocalypse, Logan)
– Avoiding awesome costumes (X1, X2, X3, Origins, DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Cyclops and Jean being misused (X1, X2, X3)
– Continuity bullshit (X1, X2, X3, Origins, First Class, The Wolverine, DOFP, Apocalypse, Logan)
– William Stryker being a different actor (X2, Origins, DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Professor X’s powers not working for plot reasons (X1, X2, DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Gross early 2000’s looks (X1, X2, X3)
– Weird Republican probably bad guy Kelsey Grammar being a blue furry delight (X3, DOFP)
– The Beast can choose when he’s the Beast like he’s the Hulk I guess (DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Quicksilver saves people in sloooooow moooooootion (DOFP, Apocalypse)
– Actual good movies (First Class, The Wolverine, Logan, DP1, DP2)
– Ryan Reynolds finding his persona (Origins, DP1, DP2)

X-Men (2000) and X2 (2003)
I rewatched these very recently. I’m not a fan. Of course there’s the problem with the director, who is a horrible man, but I don’t think he was a good fit either way. My opinion of these is almost the opposite of my opinion on the Raimi Spider-Man movies. In these they nailed the casting of the main characters but the tone and world-building is off. Everything looks like it should work, except the X-Men doesn’t feel like a team, James Marsden is criminally underused and given nothing to do, and though I love a team of villains, they’re primarily there to be visually intimidating and barely speak or add to the movie. Of course in both movies Professor X is written out of the plot in some way because the writers have no clue how to use him and his powers, which is why both him and Scott are killed off at the start of the next one. These are Wolverine movies with extra characters. These are still well-regarded for what they were at the time, but if you look at them without nostalgia, you can see a bunch of actors in dumb black leather outfits doing weird Matrixy action, with not enough focus on character interaction to make it worth it. Sure, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are giving this all the gravitas they can, Brian Cox is skin-crawlingly evil, and Hugh Jackman is incredible enough to make you forget Wolverine is meant to be five feet tall and Canadian. But I don’t really care. Also, bringing Alan Cummings in as a weird emo blue gremlin with tattoos for the second one does not a good Nightcrawler maketh.

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
This one is not good, because it’s about Jean becoming the Phoenix and the Mutant cure and the war that’s been vaguely hinted at for two movies, which are too many badly told plots, and it’s all brought together by another famously terrible director so Bryan Singer can go make his boring and depressing Superman movie. It gets points for the ridiculousness of Vinnie Jones and the truly inspired casting of Kelsey Grammer as the Beast. It’s also the first X-Men movie (And maybe superhero movie in general) that I have a real memory of seeing in the theater.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
This one is probably the worst of them all, but I really enjoy it, I think it’s very fun and stupid. None of it works, sure, but that’s not just the fault of the incompetent studio that insisted on CGI claws and a Deadpool with a sewn up mouth and teleportation and laser eyes. Especially since we maybe wouldn’t have had the Deadpool movies or this one I’m about to love. Ryan Reynolds said he knew they were making terrible decisions and told them but he always wanted to play Deadpool so he went with it to get his shot. So yeah, it’s not just Fox and the fact that they got Will I Am and the guy from Lost and they fucked up the continuity and it looked bad and it was bad. It’s also that the script is based partially on an origin that always sucked. They took decades to tell his origin story and it was bad. Oh, but Liev Schreiber is good, I would’ve liked to see him return instead of grunty wrestler 2000 Sabretooth.

X-Men: First Class (2011)
This is my favorite one! This is my favorite X-Men movie! I love it so much! It’s got everything you’d want. Fun 60’s vibes! Good origins that definitely won’t be fucked and convoluted as these movies continue! A great Wolverine cameo! Kevin Bacon as a mean Nazi villain! Oliver Platt! It’s my favorite Matthew Vaughn movie, and his movies definitely didn’t get steadily much much worse after that, did they? Again, I understand nostalgia goggles, I can see why someone would love the first X-Men and Days of Future Past. I don’t mind DoFP. But if you try to tell me those movies are better than this one… I’ll agree that you’re probably right and listen to your opinions while thinking “God, how could you say that, this is oh so clearly the superior film in every way.” I don’t think this’ll tie into D&W much except for Azazel, Nightcrawler’s dad, being in both. It’s also great to see Xavier get to use his powers the whole way through. Who knew?

The Wolverine (2013)
I’ve seen this twice, I think? It’s a somewhat forgettable movie, especially in the context of its trilogy, which is a bummer, because it’s pretty good. We get a classic comic-style Wolverine Japan adventure. Up until Thursday, it’s probably the most comic accurate Wolverine movie in terms of vibes and character, in that they actually had him do things he does in the comics. It’s waaaaaaay better than Origins, obviously. I just don’t know why I forget it so much. There’s the bullet train scene, he fights that big robot man, what’s the issue here? I don’t know. Maybe it’ll always be a mystery. Or it’s the PG-13 rating. Unsurprisingly, this is not the Wolverine movie that highly influenced his upcoming return, and I don’t think we’ll get many references. Ah, well. C’est la vie. Oh, and I hate bone claws. Yuck.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) and X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)
And now we get to the final two X-movies directed by alleged predator Bryan Singer. Hi, Bryan! Way to shit the bed! In retrospect, and I don’t say this because of who you are as a person, I don’t like any of your movies that much. I used to like Bohemian Rhapsody. I loathe The Usual Suspects. You and your friend Kevin can go act out Superman sequels at the bottom of the ocean. Anyway. DoFP is his best one because it’s the most comic booky, but that’s mostly in spite of him and his terrible ideas. I still don’t love it. We know very little about the future apocalypse. The continuity remains fucked. Sure it’s fun having both casts at once, but who cares? Mystique and Xavier never interacted in the 2000’s yet they’ve been lifelong friends and companions. Also Elliot Page can phase a man through time. How? But it’s fun enough, and it’s got that great Quicksilver scene, even if he disappears for no reason and Xavier can’t use his powers so he can walk. Also I think it’s the best X-movie performance Jackman gives, even if we are stuck with bone claws again.
Apocalypse is another thing entirely. I liked it initially. I haven’t revisited it in years and I don’t want to. It’s a lot of smoke and explosions and chaos that almost hides Singer’s refusal to make a comic booky comic book movie and have a giant Apocalypse instead of Oscar Isaac (Weird choice). The elements are there, you’ve got the horsemen and a new, well-developed Scott and Jean, but he’s still writing out Xavier powers-wise and Quicksilver too. You shouldn’t be writing superhero movies if you’re unwilling to write the powers of the characters into the script effectively. He was never the right choice for these movies, but then he was never paying much attention. Anyway, Professor X loses his hair telepathically, a better Nightcrawler, Cyclops, and Jean are introduced (Not in terms of casting except Nightcrawler, but they’re actually utilized.) and Angel and Storm are good too, bummer Angel disappears in the next one, which I never saw, and it culminates in another deus ex phoenix scene. It’s not good. But I mention it because Jackman shows up to run away naked, completing a trifecta of Weapon X scenes throughout the movies.

Logan (2017)
This is a very good movie, but it’s not exactly the adaptation of the Old Man Logan comic that was promised. It’s a different story for one, which is good, because I don’t want to see an adaptation of Old Man Logan. It’s one of those Mark Millar comics, like Civil War, that shows he doesn’t really understand the characters he’s writing and he wants them to fit in this weird edgy narrative he’s concocted. The Hulk storyline alone makes me feel sad and gross. They’ve made it seem as if this upcoming movie is doing more Old Man Logan stuff, with the Giant Man corpse and the desert landscape, except it’s in the Void from Loki. I wouldn’t be surprised if this Wolverine we’re getting is one that was tricked into killing the X-Men. In Logan they changed it to Xavier obviously. Anyway, there’s not a ton to say. I have heard rumors that Deadpool does visit the Logan universe in some way. They made it clear when they announced D&W that they wouldn’t erase what happened, because people love that movie and that ending, but the latest trailer obviously brings back, seemingly, that X-23 and Deadpool says his Logan gave his life and was a hero. It always seemed like Logan was in a different universe, but again, the X-Men timeline is fucked. Anyway. Boyd Holbrook, Patrick Stewart, Richard E Grant, Stephen Merchant, Dafne Keen, two Jackman, all of them are so good. It’s a good movie, man. Wolverine should be in R-rated movies.
Also, you may know this if you’ve read any articles, but Jackman and Stewart both said they were done as these characters after this. Obviously both of them changed their minds, Pat Stew wanted money and to sit in that big yellow chair (Good for you, Pat Stew!), and Jackman has said he regretted that he never got to be in an MCU movie, he never got to team up with Deadpool, and he never got to fight the Hulk or wear the costume. Hugh Jackman, like me, was very bummed we never got to see more comic-based Wolverine things. And now it seems we’re getting most of it, this is the chance for big fan service, to do everything in one movie. Which doesn’t really feel like a cop-out or a way to avoid telling a story, obviously I haven’t seen it yet, but Ryan Reynolds does know how to do fan service while actually just focusing on the plot. Anyway.

Deadpool (2016) and Deadpool 2 (2018)
It was a rocky road to get to 2016 for Ryan Reynolds. He wanted to make this movie for forever, and the only reason it became a thing is because “Somebody” leaked test footage of that highway fight scene online right before Comicon. Ryan Reynolds has said for years he still wants to get to the bottom of who leaked it. It was him. He knew what he was doing, he knew how to make a good movie as that character, his persona as an actor has mostly become versions of this character. If there’s a few things we know to be true about him, it’s that he’s charismatic, he’s never slipped into being unlikable or over-saturated, even when he ends up in mistakes like R.I.P.D. or Red Notice because he has that self-effacing sense of humor, and he also knows how to market the shit out of stuff. Millions of people follow him on YouTube just to watch his ads, and the marketing campaign for this movie was incredibly successful. It’s good. I don’t rewatch it often solely because there’s not much to it. It’s a fairly standard origin movie wrapped around one highway fight scene, because clearly Fox had no faith in him and they gave them no money. He said recently he used the money he was supposed to earn during filming so the writers could be on set. Some say it’s better because it’s grittier and realer, and that’s not untrue. But I prefer the next one.
Deadpool 2 is fun and stupid and they pull out all the stops. These movies get progressively more insane. We go from jokes about “Why do I only ever see you two in this big empty mansion?” to the cast of X-Men: Apocalypse hiding from Deadpool and Brad Pitt getting electrocuted. They really just threw Cable’s convoluted origins out the window to make him a generic Terminator guy and fridged Vanessa, but these are Deadpool movies, so they make light of one and then travel back in time to save the other, just because they can. Vanessa is alive in D&W and no longer with Wade, in part because Ryan realized you can’t just kill a love interest to motivate a character. I really like this. The team-up of Domino and Cable plus Deadpool is awesome, seeing a comic-accurate Juggernaut is gleefully wonderful, Rob Delaney and Julian Dennison are great additions. And of course, the post-credits include killing Origins Deadpool and Ryan Reynolds before he can make Green Lantern, which is great. I don’t remember him saying the whole “One day you’ll hang up your claws, but your buddy Wade will come a knockin’ and you should say yes” to 2009 Wolverine, I swear they added that to recent versions. Also, special shoutout to the PG-13 Christmas recut of this movie, Once Upon A Deadpool, wherein Deadpool kidnaps actor Fred Savage and duct tapes him to the bed in The Princess Bride set and makes him listen to his story, which is hilarious and wonderful.
UPDATE: I did rewatch these in advance. They’re very good, there’s lots of side jokes I never noticed. The first one really leans into the romance obviously so it is a bummer they killed her off, but if they always planned to bring her back and use Deadpool vs Time Cop to play with a suicidal unkillable man, I don’t mind. I’m hoping they do another flash forward scene and have a fun credits intro with jokes in it in this new one too. I just have massive respect for the gags, like getting Celine Dion to write a song for a Bond-style intro. So good.

Heyyy, we’re all caught up!!! What a mixed bag that was! I was gonna say they’re mostly bad, but I enjoy five and a half out of the ten. Dark Phoenix and The New Mutants? Never heard of them! Actually I’ve seen one of them but it’s irrelevant here. If either of them come up or get referenced, I’ll shave my head. Anyway, do you feel ready for this movie? I sure do! I’m psyched as hell! I’m posting this a day before I see the movie, so there’s not much time for you to do a pre-movie prep watch, but I’d assume X-Men, Deadpool, Deadpool 2, and Logan are the must-watches. Let’s fucking go to the cinemas in our reddest and yellowest clothes to watch this movie. Whooo-hooo!