Full spoilers for more obscure movies you’ve never heard of starring some people that may or may not surprise you. Let’s delve into Diggers, The Locusts, The Size of Watermelons and 200 Cigarettes!

Diggers(2006) stars Paul Rudd, Ken Marino, Maura Tierney, Ron Eldard, Josh Hamilton, Sarah Paulson, Lauren Ambrose, and Jack O’Connell. It was written by Ken Marino and directed by Katherine Dieckmann.

What do you have for us today, IMDb? A story about a tight-knit group of friends, who try to maintain their small-town way of life in the face of enormous changes in 1970s Long Island. Thank you, Internet Movie Database.

• He’s doing an accent in this one. In the interest of being truthful, I’m watching this one last. And These first two are the half of the movies where he doesn’t have gross sideburns.
• Paul Rudd is a clam digger, and it seems all his friends are too. Ken Marino wrote this in honor of his father, who was a clam digger. He plays Lozo, a loud angry mustachioed father of many children. Him and his wife, Sarah Paulson, are always arguing. It’s weird watching this because it’s got less than a quarter of the cast a David Wain/Paul Rudd movie usually does, but it’s very much not a wacky farce.
• The movie opens with Paul’s dad going to work and then being found dead at his boat. The funeral is an unsurprisingly uncomfortable experience. Lozo brings all his kids and swears loudly and argues about how the big corporate shelling companies are fucking people over, and that’s why the dad died.
• The dialogue in this is good. Ken knows his stuff. There’s no laugh-out loud jokes because it’s not that kind of film. Paul plays another layabout who doesn’t know what to do with his life and isn’t happy, but unlike the last two movies on this list, he’s not a caricature. He feels like a normal person dealing with normal shit.
• This movie is just about people going about their lives. Paul flirts with a woman. He tries to make it official. She gets upset that he’s ruined their quiet flirting. He doesn’t get it, but he moons her a few days later. She gets a guy to moon him back. His sister spirals a bit but is okay. He gets his father’s ashes, takes them to play billiards. There’s a great moment where Lozo pours his own flask of whiskey into glasses at the bar and protests “I’ve got seven mouths to feed.” Paul says “You got another one?” Heh.
• Paul likes to take photos. They’re pretty good.
• “Hey, I don’t know if you know this but this is how I get women. I talk about my dead parents.”
• Eventually Paul realizes his new relationship with moon lady isn’t as serious as he wanted to be, that his sister is sleeping with his sleazy friend but he’s not being a dick to her, and everybody tells him it’s time to leave. Lozo realizes he’s having another kid and applies for the big firm that’s been stealing shelling jobs, they throw his application in the trash, he trashes the office and all of them fight the corporate jerks and go to jail. Cut to Paul having a heart to heart with his dad’s ashes about how he wasn’t there when he died, and learning his dad kept every photo he ever gave him. And the four of them sail out with life jackets on and destroy his dad’s boat with the ashes on it.
• This is a good movie. It’s one of those movies that is so specific and probably made no money and wasn’t marketed, but you can tell why. It’s not made to be a hit or universally appeal. It’s made because it can be and it’s a good story that feels meaningful and not just like it’s following story beats even if it is.
• In the end, Paul drives out of town with his dog. What’s next? Doesn’t matter.

Overall Rating: 7.4/10(It’s nothing incredible, but if you compare it to the other films in this post, it’s The Shawshank Redemption. Fun times. Very peaceful fun times.)
Rudd Rating: 7.7/10(His performance isn’t revolutionary either, but it’s a good one. It’s got all the good charm you expect and he’s not the one with the shitty sideburns in this, thank god.)

The Locusts(1997) stars Kate Capshaw, Jeremy Davies, Vince Vaughn, Paul Rudd, Ashley Judd, Daniel Meyer, and Jessica Capshaw. It was written and directed by John Patrick Kelley.

The IMDb synopsis is as follows: A drifter enters a small town looking for employment. While working at the local cattle ranch, he meets and falls in love with the beautiful Kitty and becomes involved in a deadly yet erotic love triangle. I know nothing about this movie beyond the fact that it looks boring and it’s the first film I’m watching for this large gauntlet I’ve prepared for myself. People say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for different results. I’ve entered a subcategory of insanity, which is “Watching a bunch of Paul Rudd movies that aren’t very good only for one person to read your post.”

• I like that the poster has Paul Rudd and Ashley Judd next to each other. It’s fun to say. Paul Rudd and Ashley Judd. This is the only movie on the list that Paul Rudd isn’t the main character in.
• First shot of Paul! He’s got a cropped haircut and big nerd glasses! I think this is set in the 50’s? He’s got a very southern accent too. His character’s name is Earl, which is fun. My dad’s name is Earl.
• Vince Vaughn is the lead in this. He plays the drifter. It’s weird seeing a young buff sexy Vince Vaughn who isn’t constantly making snarky jokes. Currently I’m watching the TV show Bad Monkey week to week on Apple+. It’s an adaptation of one of my favorite Carl Hiaasen novels, and Vince plays Andrew Yancy, the fast talking snarky main character.
• Paul’s character is interesting. Most of the characters are so far. I wasn’t excited for this but there’s a lot you can learn about these characters from their physicality and how they talk. Earl meets Vince Vaughn at a bar where he accidentally gets in a fight with this girl’s drunk boyfriend. He clearly wants nothing to do with Vince but his girlfriend likes him and convinces him to take him to the Feedlot where he works. Earl’s got glasses with a band holding them on his head. He limps and smokes constantly. Kate Capshaw, who plays the owner of the Feedlot, also smokes constantly. She’s closed off. This is a weird in the middle of nowhere town where everybody is suspicious and cruel. The area is beautiful but there seems to be some sort of something simmering in the town.
• Here’s a great new way I learned to challenge someone to a fight.
  “Are you looking for it, slick? Cuz if you are, it’s in stock.”
• Kate Capshaw’s husband is dead. She has sex with one of her ranch hands every day. Her son, Flyboy, who may or may not be her son, mourns his father and never speaks. He’s been electro-shocked about nine times.
• This is the first movie I’ve ever seen that transitions from a quick but tasteful oral sex scene to a scene of bulls being branded and castrated. You see, Ashley Judd likes to have sex with Vince Vaughn. But I get the impression Kate Capshaw wants to too. I imagine this is not entirely unlike The Graduate, but I don’t really want to watch The Graduate. Seems creepy.
• Vince is very interested in striking up a friendship with Flyboy. Why, I’m not sure. He’s one of those strangers with a mysterious past. Maybe it’s because it’s such a horny movie, but I half expect Vince to fall in love with Flyboy.
• This is a big vibes movie. Things are happening, but nothing big. Flyboy’s mom tries to have sex with Vince, he says no, Vince becomes besties with Flyboy, the two hang out in town, which she’s not happy about, and when he goes to have dinner with his mom, she freaks out. She’s not okay with this guy having agency in his life, it seems. Paul Rudd and Ashley Judd are both apprehensive about all the changes Vince Vaughn is making. They know he means well, but people in this town are used to things being a certain way, aren’t they? In a way, it feels like a movie about a man challenging simmering racism without the racism.
• Um. So then we learn that Vince Vaughn was dating an underaged girl who accidentally broke her neck, and now he’s on the run, and psycho mom Kate Capshaw gets drunk and forces Flyboy to watch as she castrates his favorite bull. But the horrible guy that hates Vince Vaughn and keeps having sex with her unties Flyboy and leaves. So? God, this is weird. And Flyboy, his mom sexually abused him as a child and got her husband to see so he became distraught and killed himself. Vince plans to leave with Flyboy, but is stopped by the horrible Kate Capshaw, who reveals her father raped her and her son is also her brother, and she never truly loved her fake husband who pretended to be the father, or her son. She hated the family friend who married her because she didn’t feel she deserved it and tried to drive her and her son away. Jesus, this is dark. She hates Vince too because he won’t let her be in control of her own life. And so she forces Vince to have sex with her because she knows about his past, and Flyboy kills himself like his father did. Before Vince can kill Kate Capshaw, she kills herself too, and Vince and Ashley Judd leave town. So. Ugh.
• This was a big sad time. It’s hard to say how I feel, it’s well made, but it’s so depressing. It’s all about how people are destroyed by trauma and the way it imprisons them. The ways they can’t escape the lives they’ve been trapped inside. But… Flyboy should have lived. And I wish it was about Earl, the limping field worker.
• What frustrates me is my work as a Paul Rudd archivist will never truly be complete. There’s TV movies and old shows that I’ll never be able to find online or on DVD, things I’ll never be able to watch. And the worst of it is, the really depressing things like this are easy to find.

Overall Rating: 5/10(It was well made, but unbelievably depressing.)
Rudd Rating: 7.8/10(For a supporting performance, he brought a physicality to the role that I really appreciated. It gave his character an extra dimension.)

The Size of Watermelons(1996) stars Paul Rudd, Donal Logue, Ione Skye, Donovan Leitch Jr., Marissa Ribisi, and Adam West. It was written by Rob Stefaniuk and directed by Kari Skogland.

IMDb’s synopsis for this one is: A political activist and comic-store owner heads to Las Vegas with all of his money to try to win enough cash to get his filmmaker pal’s project off the ground. Which is Paul? We’ll have to see, won’t we?

• It seems this movie starts with Paul Rudd narrating his own birth? And then his childhood. It’s hard to tell if this movie looks weirdly colored purposefully or if it’s just because I’m watching a blurry version on YouTube.
• Paul is playing some guy who’s been made fun of for his whole life for having tall curly hair and sideburns that make people shout homophobic slurs at him? Until he meets Donal Logue. Donal Logue keeps showing up in these low budget Paul Rudd movies. The camera work in this is very interesting, very in the face of the characters. Even when it’s far away from them, it’s framed very particularly.
• The dialogue in this is so fucking weird. It’s a bunch of 90’s people in their 20’s with weird hair and horrible outfits ranting about being in their 20’s and discovering things. And then suddenly I’m watching Paul Rudd with long sideburns have sex on the beach with a woman with big curly red hair. Watching this movie feels like I’m on some kind of drug I’ve never had. It’s far less depressing than The Locusts but I’d much rather not watch it. This is another one like Overnight Delivery, a time capsule of an era I’m glad I wasn’t alive for.
• So after listing through life drunk and depressed, Paul puts on round sunglasses that make him look like a prick and decides he’s going to direct, write, and star in a movie, but all his friends think he’s an idiot because he doesn’t actually have an idea.He does have sideburns I want to shave. And now his voice sounds squeakier because I’m watching it at 1.25 speed.
• There’s a running joke where he keeps getting beat up by the same bouncer because he’s always drunk, but it’s just not funny, it’s depressing.
• When did I become a weird cynical jaded 21 year old? Is it because I spent too much time watching movies and shows from the perspective of people in their 20’s that don’t have a plan? My mind doesn’t make sense to me. What a weird, absurd experience. I went from being a high schooler with no real perspective of what came next to a college student who slowly got more and more frustrated with the experience of being a human being. Does that make sense? And now I’m watching a movie nobody’s ever seen and writing about it for what reason?
• What a depressing intermission. I don’t understand this movie. It’s very weird and confusing and unnecessary. And also I’m playing it at x2 speed because I find it completely unlikable. Though I guess I can say I saw Paul Rudd and Donal Logue sitting in a soapy tub wearing thongs. And I guess the reason this is called The Size of Watermelons is Paul compared the size of his testicles to watermelons. This is so weird. What I love about this movie is that one hour and twenty-six minutes about nothing goes by a lot quicker at x2 speed.
• Eventually they finally start making the actual movie but Donal Logue leaves before they can make it. Also Adam West shows up but you can’t tell it’s him, really. And then he gets an actual job and stops trying to make his shit movie and it just ends.

Overall Rating: 3.2/10(That was a film about nothing where nothing happened and nothing had a point and I had a minor crisis but feel nothing. I mean… Wow.)
Rudd Rating: 3/10(What dreadful sideburns and what a nothing performance. None of his charm was utilized. It was like watching a sequel to 10 Things I Hate About You but it wasn’t about anything.)

200 Cigarettes(1999) stars Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Dave Chappelle, Guillermo Diaz, Andela Featherstone, Janeane Garofalo, Gaby Hoffmann, Kate Hudson, Courtney Love, Jay Mohr, Martha Plimpton, Christina Ricci, Paul Rudd and Elvis Costello. It was written by Shana Larsen and directed by Risa Bramon Garcia.

Synopsis: A collection of twentysomethings try to cope with relationships, loneliness, desire and their individual neuroses. And it’s New Years.

• I’m watching this two days after Watermelons. This run of movies is making me lose faith and joy in the concept and very much remember how futile this whole exercise is. And if the last film was all about unlikable ridiculous twentysomethings, this one is bound to be even more unlikeable.
• Even though this is ostensibly an ensemble film, Paul Rudd is still essentially the main character, which I appreciate.
• And the fact that this starts with “I Want Candy” and the announcement that both the Afflecks and an annoying Dave Chapelle will all be in this movie doesn’t help.
• I’ve never seen wider sideburns than the one Paul Rudd has in this. They’re acute triangles of hair is what they are. I refuse to believe people dressed and looked like this. And I hate that these movies make me disillusioned about people that were the age I am currently.
• I would like to think I’m a Paul Rudd scholar, that I come at this with professionalism and dedication. But I just noticed Paul Rudd has a soul patch and I want to be honest, I’m watching Doctor Who while I watch this. And journaling. Or trying to. My ability to pay attention is not good.
• Paul Rudd is once again playing one of the most depressing, unlikeable people you’ve ever seen. He hates everyone and everything. His name is Kevin. He’s depressed. He’s not as funny as he is in something like Role Models because the writing isn’t very good. It’s his Birthday and he’s depressed. You’d think he’s being typecast. The general cast of characters? People. Annoying people. Two lost women with horrible New Jersey accents. A clumsy ditsy Kate Hudson. Ben Affleck, the hot bartender. It’s funny that this is the only movie Paul Rudd/Ben Affleck crossover.
• KEVIN: “I think I might just go home and kill myself. Wanna share a cab?”
• Eventually Kevin sort of falls for Courtney Love, his friend of five years. Though I don’t for a second buy they’ve ever been friends. They have a mini When Harry Met Sally… but it’s just them almost having sex in a coffee shop bathroom before Janeane Garofalo happens to show up and permanently dump Paul Rudd. Permanently temporarily. Courtney Love really loves her. And they all end up at the party of the woman who wanted to have a perfect party but nobody showed up so she got super drunk and passed out. Funny, huh?
• Oh, Elvis Costello is in this movie, he played himself. Okay.
• Everyone in this movie cares about how to have good sex and and having sex on New Years and… I mean I know some people still act like this but it’s just not an interesting thing to watch.
• Everyone smokes in this all the time, but I was so disinterested that I forgot it was called 200 Cigarettes. Everyone gets a semi-happy ending after the party? But not too happy, I think. And Paul Rudd ends up with Courtney Love. And then Dave Chapelle narrates everything that happened through polaroids. Yaaaaay.

Overall Rating: 3.4/10(It had some good moments and funny joke concepts and a cast that could’ve made this great, but weird horny Love Actually for 20 year old New Yorkers is not interesting. It’s better than Watermelons because something happens and it looks slightly better. But also I own this on DVD and that’s a waste.)
Rudd Rating: 3.6/10(Worse sideburns, but a bit more of the Paul Rudd straight man charm shines through, and at least his character is slightly redeemed.)