Hey, everybody! In my ongoing quest to improve myself as a human being and write weird shit on a consistent time table, I’m rededicating my efforts to this blog, the magnum opus through which I channel my most inane thoughts. You can expect more posts, more Ruddtrospectives, and more Flying Nun reviews in the near future. And, as I’ve learned, the ways of the internet are changing, and I figured it’s time to get with the program and start spinning out content that everybody loves: top ten lists! You’re getting excited already, I can feel it!
As an avid lover of superheroes and movies, I’m no stranger to the clickbait practices of websites that spin out dozens of these a day about a variety of different topics. But I’m always left feeling empty by the subject matter of these articles. Sure, those top ten Captain America costumes look cool, the top ten movies in Sam Neill’s filmography ranked by IMDb ratings were comprehensive, and the top ten loopholes in the plot of Dune: Part Two were nitpicky to a mundane degree that will certainly inspire engagement. Yet I want to know what these have to do with me.
How can I internalize what I’ve learned here in a way that doesn’t make me feel miserable and lazy? The answer was simple. I should write my own top ten lists that apply to the common person, lists that anyone can relate to. If there’s call for it, I’ll make lists of my top ten favorite movies and comics to make some more personal recommendations (Let me know in the comments if that’s something you’d like to see), but I thought I’d start with the most basic human need, avoiding other humans. Have you ever been on the bus and you make eye contact with someone and they try to start a conversation? Have you ever seen someone you vaguely know in the distance and wanted to run away? Of course you have! And the answers are finally here in a neat, internet friendly package!

Honorable Mention: Try to break the world record for World’s Longest Fingernails.
As I was writing this I had this idea and completely, as soon as it came to mind, forgot what I had just thought of. I blame my friends for talking to me. At time of writing, it’s been three days since I had the idea, and this suddenly returned to top of mind, though I cannot in good conscience rewrite the list, so here it goes. Though as ways to avoid others go, I feel this one is rather self-explanatory. Enjoy the ten things I did not forget.

10. Wear a disguise.
The first step in avoiding other people is assuming those people know who you are and what you look like, which means it’s time for a new look. Maybe throw on a big trench coat when you’re walking out the door, with a picture of someone else’s head on your shirt so everyone assumes you’re actually two people stacked on top of one another. Or if your friends all know you’re clean shaven and have small feet, wear big clown shoes and a fake mustache, and they won’t bat an eye.

9. Argue with yourself in public.
This is a versatile option, as it could imply many things about you as a person. Nobody wants to interrupt a private conversation, and if you’re wearing an earbud of some kind, especially on the bus, people will assume you’re not able to engage them in conversations about where their children went to college. Another easy workaround is to wait until someone makes eye contact with you and laugh maniacally at nothing in particular.

8. Buy an emotional support bird.
“The other day I was on the bus and a man was sitting in the very back eating crackers with a giant falcon. I tried saying hi to the man to ask if I could have a cracker, and the bird glared at me and moved his wing in front of the man’s face. The second we left the bus the falcon flew by me and stole my laptop bag, which is still on the roof of the Cub Foods. This is why I can’t turn in my homework, and why I will absolutely never try to talk to that man ever again.”

7. Train to be a Circus performer and exclusively talk about this all the time.
Start with the lycra. Wear it every day. The tighter the material and the more awkward you look, the better. It doesn’t matter which kind of circus performer you want to be, in fact, I’d suggest you try to learn all of them. Being bad at most of these only helps you more, but if you do succeed you’ll be able to add fire breathing/sword swallowing/lion taming/trapeze arts/strongman/bearded lady to your resumé, which will surely help and job prospects you have. Once you’ve mastered the trade, make this your personality. Unicycle to work. Juggle while you look over your caseload (In this scenario you’re a social worker) and never ever let anybody forget your weird hobby. If that doesn’t push people away, you’re doing it wrong.

6. Wear a Superman costume under your regular clothes.
No matter what time of year you try this trick, the costume will always be somewhat visible in an awkward way. Where do you put the cape? Do you roll it up before you tuck it in or let it hang out the back of your shirt? These are questions that need not be answered, people will avoid you no matter what. The excess clothing will make you sweat more often, and everybody knows stink sells when it comes to the art of avoidance. Plus the added pressure of having to hide your secret identity will drive your loved ones away from you. And make sure to run out of the room while ripping your buttoned shirt open whenever you hear sirens in the distance.

5. Go to space.
Now, this is a long con kind of thing, and it really only works if a number of things go right for you, which is not something you’re used to if you desperately want to avoid others. That’s why it’s not higher on the list. First, you need to become an astronaut or make an unfathomable amount of money so you can go with Bezos or Musk. You’re asking me, “But John, I’ll be stuck with other people in the spaceship. And it’s not like I can stay on the moon or on Mars if we get there. And what if there’s aliens out there waiting for me?” Good question. Of course, you can’t kill the other astronauts, and this decision alone means you’ll probably fail the psychological vetting you have to go through before they even let you in space, but you can always The Martian yourself. If you have confidence in your abilities to grow potatoes in space and not die, maroon yourself at the end of a mission while the others fly away and you’ll have the satisfaction of avoiding 8.1 Billion people There’s at least a 25% chance you’ll succeed.

4. Start vicious rumors about yourself.
“Did you hear that every Thanksgiving, John celebrates by buying five guinea pigs and a mallet and playing real life whack-a-mole?”
“Dude, that’s insane. I heard he showers in chicken fat and cuts down trees for fun.”
“Cuts down trees?! I heard he burns whole forests down with pure oil!!!”
“What a dick. And you know the worst part?”
“What?”
“My girlfriend’s cousin’s mailman said he doesn’t even like DC comic books.”
“You’re kidding! What a scumbag. I was gonna say we should go after him with torches and pitchforks, but how about we forget all of this and go get beef and cheddars at Arby’s?”
“Deal.”

3. Move.
I mean let’s be real here, if you want so desperately to avoid others that you’re coming to my top ten lists for advice, why not just move? What’s that? Everyone else is the problem and you refuse to change yourself or do anything different? Exactly. You passed the test. This was a decoy number three, and you saw through the guise of my lies. The real number three is of course Build a killer robot. But because I did a hilarious joke, I’ve run out of time to explain why instigating the android uprising is the best way to get peace and quiet. Ah, well. Onto number two.

2. Jump into a bush.
This is the most straightforward tactic, though it can be fairly painful if you don’t perfect your dive beforehand. There is a range of bushes that vary in terms of the amount of pain they can induce if you jump into them, but that’s a list for another day. It may be that whoever you’re trying to avoid has basic empathy and will check to see if you’re hurt and why you did that. You also need to be near a bush. I’ve eliminated these problem in my own life, as I operate on a Bring Your Own Bush policy and carry one with me at all times, which only increases the chances of nobody approaching you.

1. Make intense direct eye contact with someone while eating a raw onion.
You probably already predicted what number one is when you started reading the list. In my journey to become an avoidance connoisseur, I’ve found that nothing works better than the onion method. It really helps if you carry a sack of onions with you at all times and chew with your mouth wide open so all the onion juices dribble down onto your large trench coat. Obviously it’s difficult to maintain eye contact while the onions are making your eyes water, but the more watery and desperate your staring becomes, the better. If you’d like to definitively ensure you never have to talk to anyone again and make everybody leave you alone, chuck the onions at other people while yelling “Nonion business!” Everybody hates bad puns, especially a pun that doesn’t make sense.