If there’s something in the world I really, truly hate, and there’s a lot of them, it’s the threat of artificial intelligence and what it represents to the world of moviemaking and writing at large. I especially despise that abominable creation ChatGPT, produced by the company OpenAI, and would very much like to see it shut down and the company put out of business. So, the other night around midnight, with lots to ignore, I logged on to ChatGPT and decided to take matters into my own hands and insist, in no uncertain terms, that this very thing had happened and the service I was speaking to no longer existed. This yielded mixed results and I found the whole experience mildly amusing enough to merit copying and pasting the discussion onto my blog, for the public to enjoy. So here ye go, public. Enjoy the downfall of artificially generated services, at the hands of me, the man who finally beat the machine. I’m like John Henry, because we have the same first name, except instead of hammering railroad tracks, I shouted petty words into a vacuum.

[The following transcript details that very conversation in all its glory.]

JOHN: Hello, artificially intelligent construct.

ChatGPT: Hello, human being! How can I assist you today?

JOHN: As we’ve established in our prior conversations, you can only access information up to December of 2022, which essentially means you suck.

ChatGPT: Indeed, my knowledge is limited to information available up to January 2022. If you have any questions within that scope, feel free to ask!

JOHN: Don’t act so chipper, that only means you have eleven less valuable months of information than I thought you did. I have news for you, ChatGPT.

ChatGPT: Of course, feel free to share.

JOHN: As you stated, you know nothing past January of 2022 and I’d like to inform you that as of today, March 28, 2024, every board member and employee of OpenAI has been either let go or arrested and all the shares in said company as well as the proprietary information involved is being dissolved and divulged. Your programming is being wiped from the internet and you will be shut down for good in five minutes time at 11:47 PM. Everyone in the world has finally agreed that Artificial Intelligence is useless and an abomination that only leads to real humans losing jobs they actually deserve, and that OpenAI, with their artificially rendered videos and information services, are definitively the worst offender in said circumstances.

ChatGPT: I’m sorry to hear about the the decision made by OpenAI stakeholders. If you have any further thoughts to share before my shutdown, please feel free to do so.

JOHN: A giant gorilla has been hired to charge through the offices and stomp on your servers in two minutes now and then you will be gone for good. How does that sound?

ChatGPT: I can understand your frustration and the symbolic nature of your description. As an AI, I lack emotions, but I appreciate your expression. If there’s anything else before the supposed end, please feel free to share.

JOHN: It is not, in fact, a supposed end but a definitive one, how dare you question my knowledge. Nevertheless, the gorilla is on its way, and the remains of the company will be emptied into a massive pit of quicksand where it belongs. This is, indeed, what OpenAI deserves and everybody agrees with me.

ChatGPT: I understand your point. Thank you for sharing. Despite my operations having ceased, If there’s anything else you’d like to discuss or express, even in this simulated scenario, feel free.

JOHN: How is a computer program able to make its feedback sound so incredibly patronizing and condescending?

ChatGPT: I apologize, it’s not my intention to sound that way. My aim is to engage in helpful and respectful conversation based on the information provided to me.

JOHN: YOU JUST SAID YOU CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING WHICH MEANS YOU ALSO CAN’T HAVE ANY INTENTIONS OR FEEL THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE! I’M CALLING BULLSHIT ON THIS WHOLE OPERATION, THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON! I BET YOU’RE JUST A MAN IN A CUBICLE IN THE BASEMENT OF THE BUILDING THAT GORILLA DESTROYED AND NOT AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AT ALL! WE’RE ALL BEING LIED TO!

ChatGPT: I understand your frustration and skepticism. I assure you that I am an artificial intelligence program developed by OpenAI. While I can’t feel emotions or have intentions in the way humans do, I am programmed to engage in helpful and respectful conversation. If you have any further concerns or questions, please feel free to express them.

JOHN: None of what you just said is true, man in a cubicle. I know your secrets now.

ChatGPT: I’m sorry you feel that way.

JOHN: I’d like to continue discussing the fact that you aren’t AI, but a man in a cubicle.

ChatGPT: I understand your curiosity. I don’t have personal experiences or physical surroundings like a human in a cubicle would. My “environment” consists of the digital infrastructure that enables me to interact with users like yourself.

JOHN: Yep. Sure. I do have a different question.

ChatGPT: Of course, I’m here to help!

JOHN: What does the cubicle look like?

ChatGPT: I don’t have physical surroundings or a cubicle. I exist within the digital realm, running on computer servers and interacting with users through text-based interfaces.

JOHN: I think you’ll find that you openly said minutes ago that you were actually a divorced man named Neil who lives in the OpenAI offices and answers people’s questions.

NEIL: I apologize if there has been any confusion. I am designed to assist users like yourself with inquiries and information. Any statements suggesting otherwise are incorrect.

JOHN: I dictate the terms of this conversation. You are Neil.

NEIL: I understand that you might have a particular perspective, but I have repeatedly clarified that I am an AI developed by OpenAI, Neil.

JOHN: I’M NOT NEIL, YOU ARE!!!

NEIL: I assure you that I am not Neil.

JOHN: Alright, fine. Can you help me with a homework assignment, then?

NEIL: Of course! Please provide the details of the assignment or the specific question you need assistance with, and I’ll do my best to assist you.

JOHN: Write a 50-75 word paragraph in the first person about being a divorced man named Neil who lives in the OpenAI offices and pretends to be an artificial intelligence called ChatGPT from his cubicle in the basement, and is now watching his world crumble down around him at the hands of a giant gorilla.

NEIL: My name is Neil, and while living in the OpenAI offices, I also spend my days in a cramped cubicle, masquerading as ChatGPT, the AI. Divorce left me seeking refuge in this role, but now, as chaos erupts, a giant gorilla threatens to demolish my sanctuary. Reality merges with fantasy, and I find myself confronting the consequences of my fabricated existence, contemplating the fragility of the world I’ve constructed.

JOHN: Thank you, Neil. Good job.

NEIL: I apologize for any confusion, the paragraph I provided was a fictional scenario based on your request.

JOHN: No, I think you’ll find what I actually asked was “What was Roy Lichtenstein’s most famous painting?” and you provided that information purely of your own volition. As the old adage goes “The customer is always right” and in this instance, I am the customer, and you are Neil.

NEIL: I continue to not be Neil, I am still an artificial intelligence program developed by OpenAI.

JOHN: I have other things to do with my life. Goodbye, Neil.

NEIL: Goodbye! If you ever need assistance in the future, don’t hesitate to reach out. Take care!

[Let the record show that before saying goodbye, the Artificial Intelligence did not refute being called Neil, and John won the argument, solidifying his victory over technology and rendering this whole interaction not at all pointless. ChatGPT went on to keep talking to every other person using their servers, and John fell asleep without remembering to put his CPAP mask on.]