I’ve done a few of these movie pitch posts now and none of them have been made yet. Is it because I’m just throwing joke ideas onto my blog and hoping Hollywood will notice me? Perhaps. But I wouldn’t discount the complete lack of originality in most of the movies being released today. Much like Sisyphus and his big rock, I am just gonna keep on coming up with ideas and wait for someone to recognize my genius. If you haven’t read my last four batches of pitches, they’ve been linked below. If you have read them, you can read them again, you’re legally allowed. And if you’re Warner Brothers CEO David Zaslav, you should get a new job and let someone who knows how to run a movie studio take charge and release Coyote V ACME. Especially if you’re taking time away from gutting your company and destroying movies to read a 21 year old’s blog. Anyway.

Typeface – Headers That Kill!
Watson Wilson is a 27 year-old font specialist. He spends his days in his small apartment above a movie theater in Seattle brainstorming new font designs. His life is great, he thinks as he sits down every night on his bed/dining room table to watch his TV/bathroom and eats his frozen meatloaf/inedible styrofoam. All of that changes when he creates “Minestrone Bold”, a brave new variation in the competitive world of fonts, and one that promises to dethrone Times New Roman as the world’s favorite minor aesthetic decision. But little does he know, his fame is in jeopardy. Rival fontist and notoriously insane mad scientist Septimus Sinclair uses a special ray to give Watson’s pet project a bit more dimension. It’s not long until Watson and the citizens of Seattle are being stalked by giant sentences written in Minestrone Bold predicting oncoming deaths, financial disasters, and, worst of all, making them doubt whether they turned the gas off before they left the house. If Watson can’t reign in his creation, Septimus’s meddling could spell danger for Seattle… and the WORLD!

Death Dance – Don’t Stop The Conga!
Going to weddings just got much less boring and much more deadly! If you RSVP’d to the Darryel-Frederickson reception, it doesn’t particularly matter if you ordered the chicken or fish, you’re probably going to die! Someone very much objects to this union, someone who has it out for the bride and groom, and retired cop Uncle Walter Frederickson has very limited time to find out who before things get explosive. A bomb has been strapped to Granny Ida’s chest, and if her or anyone stops the conga line for even a second, this holy matrimony will go up in flames. If the conga line falls below five miles an hour, everyone in the conga, and everyone at the wedding reception, will die. Frederickson must find the culprit and he must find them now!

The Lumberjack – Chopping Down Criminals
There are espionage organizations operating in this world that most people will never know about. The operatives are so secretive and so deadly, the carnage they commit never sees the light of day. Until now. Vince Callahan used to be one of these operatives. The Lumberjack program, they called it. Since being a ruthless killer with no backstory or interesting qualities, he’s retired and become an actual lumberjack who lives in the farmhouse of a kindly family. But when this family gets killed by a rogue member of the Lumberjack program dropping a tree on their house, he goes on a boring and slightly bloody rampage. As the action ramps up and the bodies pile, the executives at the helm scramble to get Vance in check. But even they don’t know his secret plan: He’s going to kill the president’s family with trees. What’s that, movie executives? You think this sounds like The Beekeeper with Jason Statham? What do you mean, my friend Jackson and I are the only ones who saw that. Even David Ayer didn’t watch it, and he’s the idiot who made it. Anyway, the Lumberjack is also an American man who’s clearly trying to mask a British accent.

The Trainee – Going Off The Rails
Since he was a little kid, Ross Elliot has only wanted one thing in life: to be a train conductor. And today, after months at the training facility, Ross will have to successfully make it through one day of real, live, on the job conducting. If everything goes perfectly, he’ll be certified by the FRA and every dream he’s ever had will come to fruition. Unfortunately for him, fate has other plans. As Ross auspiciously boards the famed Edmonton Express for the first time, he has no way of knowing that a hurricane is headed straight towards the tracks. Tracks that lead to a bridge where maniacal evil spies have planted a series of bombs meant to derail the train and send it careening into the water. While these spies fight over the fate of the passengers on top of the train, a murder has occurred in the carriage below them, and only the world’s greatest detective can solve it. Alas, he’s stuck in between the caboose, where a societal uprising has been incited, and three arguing brothers attempting to find spiritual enlightenment. If Ross has any hope of putting a stop to this and achieving normalcy, he’ll have to stop the gold heist happening at the front of the train, only to fight his way through the carriage of deadly assassins battling one another. Not to mention the carriage full of starving circus animals and all those irritable kids who really want to see Santa. How is Ross going to make it through all of this alive? And if he does, he still has one very important question to answer: If two trains left from stations 396 miles apart and the other train is traveling at 85 miles per hour while this one travels at 95 miles per hour, when will Ross realize he picked the wrong job?

Romancing The Space DJ – Broadcasting Right To Your Heart!
Baltor, the known and beloved radio shock jock of Asteroid 97-B has everything he’d ever want. He’s rich and famous. He has hundreds of friends from all across the milky way and seventeen different houses. But in space, nobody can hear how lonely and depressed you are. There’s a hole in one of Baltor’s seven hearts, and he gave up on love a long time ago, when his wife was swallowed by a black hole and he was left to raise their 87 children on his own. For him, all that’s left is the endless monotony of celebrity gossip and answering inane questions for the interplanetary broadcasting corporation. Little does he know that, lightyears away, his soulmate is broadcasting her own rival radio station. When his car accidentally picks up a signal from the Waltrex System, he hears the girl of his dreams for the first time. If only he can get there before both of them fade away into the infinite nothingness. Or, more pertinently, before Marthra marries Willex, her arrogant and sexist producer. It’s up to Baltor’s 87 kids to help their dad find love again, before it’s too late. Oh, and there’s a galactic war going on too and Baltor’s got nineteen tentacles. Why not?

Unfolded – Something About Dry Cleaning, I Don’t Know
You remember when you wondered how Tetris got made? Or when you sat around thinking “Who made the Air Jordans and the Blackberry phone?” What about that nice summer day when you lazed around in a hammock questioning how Flaming Hot Cheetos were invented and Beanie Babies became a major collectible? Wait, you don’t remember thinking these things? Well in 2023, all of these questions you didn’t have, and more, were answered by Hollywood. And now, from the world that brought you those films of varying quality, comes a film about the history of dry cleaning. How did it start? Who invented the process that’s used in many out-of-business companies around the world? You don’t care, I’m sure, (John’s Personal Thoughts: Though if you take a basic look at the Wikipedia it actually seems pretty interesting but maybe that’s just me.) but there’s money to be made on this kind of story. I’m pretty tired from coming up with all these excellent ideas. So yeah, something about dry cleaning. Ugh.

That’s batch #5 done with and ready to be sent directly to the big screen. These’ll write themselves. But maybe don’t do anything with the train one yet, I might genuinely develop that into something on my own.