Welcome, one and all, to the second installment of my now reoccurring ranking column. There are so many things in this world to rank, and so little people willing to do it. Well here I am. As I said last time, I’ll eventually pivot slightly and use these to rank movies and comics I’d recommend, but for now I’ll stick to the big picture, extra-important stuff. For instance, what are the best ways to travel through this messed-up world?

Honorable Mention: Tanks, Pogo Sticks, and Unicycles
These are both great ways to get around, but I couldn’t in good conscious add tanks to the list since they can kill people (Plus I really just admire the treads), and the other two are impractical. They’re like the boomerang of the transportation world, they never work. What do you mean, there’s lots of footage of people who know how to ride unicycles and I’ve seen it done before? Well you can shut up, they’re all pretentious assholes. I can’t balance that way so nobody can.

10. Horse-drawn carriage.
There’s a certain image that comes to mind when you picture a horse-drawn carriage. It’s a fancy affair, full of proper people dressed to the nines. The driver’s got a top hat probably. You can’t go wrong. There’s a sense of urgency inherently involved as well, if someone falls ill within the carriage the driver can quickly whip your equestrian engine into action and whisk you away to the closest plague doctor. You can’t find a classier or more socially empowering way to get where you need to be. Why is it #10? Because it’s my list, and as detailed on my About page, I am deathly allergic to horses. If I’m around one for too long, my throat closes up and I can’t breathe, and I revalidated this notion on my last trip to the State Fair. So fuck you, horses. No amount of top hats will make me change my mind.

9. Strapping remote control cars to your feet.
I’m not the most coordinated person in the world so I can’t foresee this going all that well for me in particular, but there is something alluring about rollerskating without having to move your legs. If you have no confidence in your ability to pull this off without doing the splits, ripping your pants, or flying off a cliff like the inventor of the Segway, there’s always the alternative option. Strap two additional cars to your hands, crouch down, and entrust four incredibly faithful friends with the remotes. What’s better than a car? An incredibly uncomfortable 16-wheeled human being whose body has been contorted into the general shape of a car. So there you go! That’s something, isn’t it?

8. The Jungle Cruise from the movie Jungle Cruise.
I want to be clear, I don’t refer to the ride at assorted Disney parks. I’m sure it’s a fun time, but I’ve never been to Disneyland or Disney World, nor do I feel the urge to change that. I’m not really a theme park guy. No, I refer to the boat from the movie based on said ride, which I’m much more knowledgable of. You know, that movie with the Rock and Emily Blunt and Jack Whitehall (Inexplicably really, but still delightful) made by people who watched The Mummy once? Yeah, that one. There’s danger and intrigue on the river the Jungle Cruise travels, both in and out of the boat. Inside the boat you have to contend with large tough guy the Rock and his ill-fitting clothes, not to mention his weird CGI puma or panther or whatever (No, I will not look it up). And outside the boat, there’s eccentric proto-Nazis and Paul Giamatti and men made out of snakes and bees. Who doesn’t want some danger in their daily route? It’s only ranked so low is because it’s fictional.

7. Standing on top of a moving train.
It seems pretty easy in movies, doesn’t it? There’s a scene in Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning where Esai Morales is just casually standing on a very fast train, and when Tom Cruise comes to fight him, he gives him a “Oh, Ethan, I didn’t expect to see you here”. So in retrospect, if its that easy, why isn’t everyone doing it? You don’t have to pay for train fare and you get to add some danger and adrenaline to an otherwise boring trip. Although there’s a good chance you take one step, slip, and fall into the trainless abyss. But what’s life without risk?
[We here at WWW.TooManyServingsOfJohn.Com do not condone or recommend that anyone try to stand on top of a moving train, even ironically. We refuse any legal responsibility for any person or persons who take this joke literally.]

6. A Schoolbus.
My good friend Katy insisted I include schoolbuses on this list because she’s a bus driver and therefore biased, so here it is. She’s right, they are an interesting and fun vehicle, with lots of potential for mayhem. Mainly I’m including it because Katy scares me quite a bit. Schoolbuses are large vehicles with a surplus of inherent gravitas. But they usually have children in them and children are terrifying and mean. This is going as low as it is because I was yelled at by some kids in a schoolbus recently while I was out for a walk minding my own business. I would like to be clear that I in no way instigated the bullying that was visited upon me. I walked by the elementary school by my house, through the roundabout where the elementary schoolers board. The girls at the back of the bus saw me, congregated in one area, and shouted the following:
“SUCK MY BALLS!” They spoke in unison, with the cruelty of children who know they can say whatever. “YOU FAT BUTTER FUCK!” One girl yelled at me. I’ve thought about that phrase for a while. Why butter? All I could say in response was “No thank you!” and I swiftly walked past the bus and the teachers who said nothing to go sit on a bench a block away and fearfully eat my string cheese. What is this world coming to? Why are they so foul-mouthed? What does butter have to do with anything? I can’t answer these questions here. Let’s move on.

5. Flying of your own volition.
It’s physically impossible, but it would be pretty fun, wouldn’t it? So I suppose what I’m offering to this ranking list is “Catapult yourself into the air and see how long you can hold a Superman pose before hitting a building or screaming in terror”.

4. Riding in a kangaroo’s pouch.
Now, I’ve never actually done this before so I can’t speak to the practicality of this option, but daydream with me for a moment, won’t you? Imagine you’re sitting in a car. Now imagine that four-door car with wheels and an engine is a furry marsupial that might kick you if agitated, and it hops instead of making “Vroom” noises. And rather than an uncomfortable leather seat, you’re being swaddled by the skin of a majestic animal with motherly instincts. Now how about that? Wait, you’re not sold? Well, think about the Winnie the Pooh stories with Kanga and Roo in them! No, not whatever twisted version will probably show up in Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey Part 3, (I appreciate public domain laws and exploiting Disney, but come on, guys. Of all the things to make sinister and horrifying. I much prefer The Tao of Pooh.) the nice cartoon versions! No? Well I don’t care if nobody else likes it, it’s my list, and I love the movie Kangaroo Jack!

3. Stilts.
I’m 5’9″ and I’ve got a friend named Jackson who’s 6’8″ and being in his presence is rather intimidating. I’ve got too many tall friends in general and I’m quite frankly sick and tired of feeling like my stride is inadequate and less-than. I know I’ve got a weirdly proportioned body, okay?! My legs are the same length as my arms and that’s not normal. So stilts are the answer. I could always just stand on his shoulders and wear a large trenchcoat, sure, but it’s not the same. I hate my weird stumpy legs. Maybe I should get that limb-lengthening surgery. No, I’m gonna stick with stilts. Look who’s tall now, Jackson!

2. Motorcycle with a Side Car.
This is a no-brainer, especially if you’ve seen Fantastic Mr. Fox. What a great way to get around, right? And the best part is, it’s multi-purpose. You can have a pal ride next to you and hit the town. Imagine the looks you’ll get when you pull up at the club and awkwardly mosey out of that weird attached bowl-like seat and peel your goggles off your wind-burnt face. You’ll be the talk of the town. What if you don’t want to share the glory of the holy vehicle? Even better! Leave the pals at home and you get free storage! Throw some books in there, set up a portable DVD player and catch a film, play Jenga, you name it. Or better yet, dinner on the go! You can load that bad boy up with snacks and monch down on some Fritos as the gravel and bugs fly into your mouth. Mmmm. Nom nom nom. And finally, my personal favorite: John’s Sidecar Soup Surprise! The heat from the drive will keep the broth nice and lukewarm, and if you take several abrupt turns in a well-populated area, you can cackle as you slosh and splash your soup at unsuspecting bystanders!

1. Dirigibles!
For those of you uninformed, a dirigible is a blimp, airship or zeppelin powered by gas that flies through the air looking dope and being awesome. I’ve done no real research into the mechanics or environmental impact of dirigibles, I’m just in love with the design. I vaguely remember there being one called the Hindenburg that was such a success, everybody cheered and said “Hooray and hurrah! Oh, the humanity! The wonderful humanity that built this dope blimp!” At least I think that’s it. This is the pinnacle of transportation. You can’t travel in a more exciting or badass manner. And why would you want to? Everything else pales in comparison! Three cheers for dirigibles!!!