Hello, loyal reader! It’s me, John! If you’re reading this, surely you get the idea of the kind of person I am at this point. I love to write and talk about movies, but I’m also easily stressed and struggle with consistency when it comes to posting regularly or writing for myself regularly. And I’d like to think I’ve turned a corner now that I’m back to my one post a month minimum policy. Or maybe it’s just easier now that I don’t have college for a few months. Who cares? I’m saying the quiet part out loud again. You get the idea. I’m trying to become a better writer and a more disciplined person, which is why you’re seeing more short stories and Flying Nun recaps, but for the moment, let’s throw all that out the window. My love of movies and weird stories are irrelevant right now. Because I want to diversify my portfolio.
I’ve pitched many movies and TV shows and I assume they’ve all been optioned and are starting production shortly, I don’t check my email that often. So now that I’m a successful pitcher of ideas, I thought I should throw my entrepreneurial spirit into the mix and see what brilliance I can come up with. Freshman year I took a business class and was encouraged by my classmates to not pursue my two golden ideas: A sandwich shop/Barber shop combo business (It sells itself) and a museum that exclusively displays scale models of the world’s most famous museums. I still plan to bring these into fruition, but in the meantime, I have more relevant plans. Everyone hates how hot it is right now, so these will be summer-based ideas. Anyway, let’s get to it, you need to take your hamburgers off the grill soon. Let’s enter the world of John’s business ideas.

A Summer Camp Where You’re Told Ahead Of Time A Serial Killer Will Be There
We live in a world full of weirdos and adrenaline junkies who flock far and wide to seek out haunted houses and a good scare. And I, a man who yelped at a jump scare the first time he saw Ant-Man & The Wasp, am oh so totally one of them. I propose, as one of those aforementioned adrenaline junkies, taking it one step further. Picture with me, if you will, a run-down summer camp with a sordid past. One of the former campers has become infamous for killing everyone. And rumor has it, as Adele once said, that the camper still haunts the grounds to this very day. You, of all people, have the opportunity to come stay and take on the murderer himself. It’s not quite an escape room, it’s more a chance to become the camp killer and retaliate against the menace of the woods. Can you kill him? You’ll go to jail if you do, we don’t have extradition in this country. But it’s a fun idea, isn’t it? Anyway, have at him! Fulfill your murderous tendencies!

The Multi-Purpose Lawn Chair
The general frame of your average lawn chair is unsound. Usually it’s a bundle of metal or wire rods that are, in principle, entirely uncomfortable. It also just sits where it’s told to, which is a fairly boring and useless function. I propose throwing it out and replacing it with a leather recliner. Already we’ve got a far better chair on our hands. So as you’re out there in your hot leather chair, you’re thinking “I have errands to run and things I’d like to do, but I don’t want to leave my chair!” Of course. No problem at all. Just reach down to the reclining lever and you’ll feel some buttons nearby that are impossible to distinguish from where you are. How about jet skiing? Regular wheels? Helicopter function? You can go anywhere in this chair! Press another button and a second smaller chair pops out. Now you’ve got a sidecar! Reach behind your head. What’s that? It’s a mini-fridge! Standing is for chumps! You never need to again! MWAHAHAHAHA!

The NO-bal Warming Suit
I’m no scientist, but I think I can figure out the general mechanics of something like this. First you peel a full body black leather body suit onto your person. Make sure it hugs to the skin. Then say “Boy, it’s hot” and the suit will inflate and blast you with jets of cool air. It also operates on that setting on your iPhone that adjusts the brightness depending on where you are. If you’re dealing with aggressively indecisive weather, the suit adjusts. The Earth might be dying, but with this suit, the ozone layer no longer matters! (A slight risk of getting all varieties of Cancer is involved if you put on the suit.)

An Ice Cream Truck That Only Visits Prisons
If you’re keeping up with the ice cream truck market like I always am, you’d know that there’s a massive gap in the industry that hasn’t been catered to for years: The indentured and incarcerated. Despite the ice cream industry being far more prolific than ever before, you’d be hard pressed to see a single truck driving by your local penitentiary, and as we all know, our nation’s serial murderers, rapists, white collar criminals and wrongly convicted false felons are the ones are really jonesing for a bomb pop or a dilly bar most of the time. I mean, the idea pitches itself, does it not? Trade your cigarettes or your outside time for an ice cream sammie. Get your bars behind bars. If all goes well, I could see a whole variety of Bars Behind Bars businesses. Obviously this post isn’t about prison business pitches, so we’ll get into that some other time.

The Wearable Deviled Egg Dispenser
When winter begins to thaw, and global warming allows some form of summer to begin, the one food I ever want to eat is the deviled egg. It’s a lovely delicacy that should be enjoyed more often. Thus I propose a hat, much like one of those ones with straws that subtly dispense alcohol, but with a unique design that supports the keeping and distribution of eggs. Imagine, if you will, a Cat in the Hat hat lined with internal insulation and portable refrigeration. On the side there’s a hatch that opens and allows the eggs to roll down a slide that loops around your head and drops the eggs into your mouth. Suddenly the summer has become far more fun!

Hope you enjoyed the post, stay tuned for me ridiculousness and send me a note if you want to invest in any of this.