In my storied career as an amateur blogger, I’ve pitched many wonderful ideas to my adoring audience, many films and a couple of TV shows that have failed to reach the producers and studio executives that could give them the adaptations they deserve. And I’ve finally realized the issue is I’m shooting too big. At my heart, I’m a literary man. I write short stories and I’m currently working on several such stories as well as a couple books. So I should stay true to who I am and try to pitch ideas in a different medium that better suits me. I’m returning to my roots. I’m walking before I can fly. So while I put the finishing touches on my second PI short story and force myself to work on one of my book ideas, let’s take a brief detour and dive right in to the world of children’s literature. I’ve got so many ideas that are bound to set the world on fire and make the youngest kids love reading. Let’s do it!

Georgio Curiouso – Capovolgere il tutto!
In the year 1946, scientist and explorer, Teodosio Silvestro is excised from his homeland of Communist Italy and forced to seek solace in Chicago, Illinois, after his fellow populace learns he has secretly been experimenting on a young enslaved monkey. Before you know it, Teodosio and his reluctant pet are living the high life and going on grand adventures in the Big City. Of course Teodosio finds himself suffering from depressione, searching for a greater sense of meaning and a purpose in his banishment, while Georgio, the monkey, stalks the streets, harassing the city folk, throwing feces, and exploring the depths of his love for Vermouth and his new friendship with cigarettes. The people of Chicago’s lives are uprooted and they live in fear of the sad Italian monkey who terrorizes them with his simian fury. Will Teodosio find solace in his new career as a political lecturer? Will he be arrested in his quest to create a world in which every single man, woman and child wears a yellow hat? Or will his ideologies reach the hearts of post-World War 2 Americans? Will Georgio be shot on sight the next time he smokes and screeches his way through the kitchen of the local pizzeria? Or will his series of somber soup can paintings find fame and adoration? Find out what shenanigans are afoot in the pages and lives of Georgio Curiouso and l’uomo con il cappello giallo! Viva lo Stato!

The Boy In The Book – THIS crime novel won’t LET you put it down!
Jeremy Jermaine, professional elementary schooler and son of a mother, is sick of hearing about all the boring crime novels his mother insists on reading. She insists on narrating as she reads and continues to gasp at every twist and turn that John Grisham has to offer, while he just wants to read his Geronimo Stilton in peace. One balmy Thursday afternoon at 3:11 PM, while he’s yelling at her to stop telling him about The Client, a loud whooshing noise envelops him and he finds himself in the midst of a gripping and litigious court case. He’s on trial for the grisly, thoughtless murder of seven bus drivers, and his lawyer finds himself being independently investigated for sleeping with his paralegals. Will this 10 year old boy be able to clear his name despite the several insurmountable obstacles facing him? Will his mother release her spell and no longer spitefully remand her son to lifetime imprisonment in an airport crime novel? Will John Grisham sue the man writing this blog post or will he realize I’ve never read one of his novels? Will someone answer my questions? AGH?!

The KGB School Bus – Adventures in Russian Global Policing!
Russia lost the space race. They lost that ice skating thing I think. And Rocky beat up a man who wasn’t actually Russian. They’re sick of America and the rest of the world laughing at them and their misfortunes. It’s high past time to fight back. The world has forced their hand. Communism will reign supreme. (Yes, there’s a lot of Communism in this post, don’t worry, I’m not going through a rebellious phase, these are big jokes.) In order to secretly move through America, Russia’s finest agents are a squadron of child geniuses and assassins led by a tight-bunned, strict and ruthless Internal Security agent, Natalya Antonov. They have been planted within a small, innocuous elementary school in Salt Lake City, and together they go on kill missions and explore space to claim unknown planets and star systems in the name of Russia. Their vehicle of choice? A schoolbus. Nobody would suspect that a bumbling, curly-haired woman and her best classmates are entering the bloodstream of high-ranking government officials, not to investigate the human body, but to perform covert kill missions. Not a single administrator at that school would know that they’re rerouting falling asteroids purposefully so they fall on the Great Tower of London. Why would innocent schoolchildren and their wacky teacher purposefully shrink their vehicle, hide in a cake at the annual United Nations Togas and Desserts party, and shoot everyone up with machine guns? It could never happen! Bow before the Soviet Union, the most powerful and vengeful nation in the world. Succumb to the authority of their secret agents. Long live Russia!

Agents of T.R.E.E.H.O.U.S.E. – Cleaning up the timeline, one branch at a time!
Will and Wilma live with their parents in the middle of the woods. They’re home-schooled and isolated, and sick of being kept separate from the real world. They want to see more of life and enjoy being normal children, but their parents are skeptical. One day, while playing deep amongst the trees, Will notices a ladder knocking against a nearby trunk, swaying with the wind. The two of them climb up and find themselves in a mystical treehouse filled with history books, and chairs made out of tree roots. A mysterious woman’s voice informs them that this treehouse has the ability to travel to any place and time throughout history. The children are overcome with excitement. The whole world is at their fingertips now! They can see anything, do anything, and be home the moment they left. “Where will we journey first?” they wonder. “What will we do?” The only catch, she says, is they must perform missions for her to protect the timeline and keep history intact. The next thing they know, they’re standing in Dallas, Texas, on November 22, 1963, with a gun. “Kill President John F. Kennedy,” she says. “For life to continue as it should, this man needs to die. Do this for me, and the treehouse will return you home.” Will begins to cry. Wilma comforts her, steels her heart, and takes aim. 61 years later, the treehouse materializes in the woods once more. “Thank you,” the voice says. “Tell anyone of your missions, and I will erase you from history. I hope you enjoyed Dallas. Next week is your choice, you can either sink the Titanic or spread the Black Plague, whichever you prefer.” That night, their parents worry and wonder why the twins went to bed without dinner. Neither of them are able to sleep. Wilma can’t close her eyes without seeing the President’s face. Will only sees the invisible blood on his hands.

The Boxcar Mafia – Don’t mess with the family.
Life is hard for an orphan. But some orphans have families to depend on. Jessica, Lisa-Ann, Walter, and Henry, ages 14, 7, 12, and 9 respectively, live together on the run. When shopkeepers don’t pay attention, they steal bread and milk, and forage for berries for their makeshift boxcar home. Life is simple, but they can survive as long as they’re together. One day, a rich lonely, generous man spots the children sneaking a rotisserie chicken out of the local grocers. He ingratiates himself to the kids, and offers to adopt them. After some deliberation, the children agree to accept this man into their lives. He even brings their boxcar to his mansion property. After about a year, the children are added to his will and positioned to inherit his vast fortune upon his death. Unfortunately, that death comes soon thereafter, once the four decide to mix bleach powder and rat poison in his morning coffee. From there, the crafty no-goodniks split his fortune and his vast investments amongst them. Walter takes over his adopted father’s pharmaceutical company and uses it to peddle illegal drugs. Lisa-Ann goes into the real-estate market, ratcheting up the prices and skyrocketing demand. And Henry and Jessica go into business together as movie producers, using their production company to release films that promote and support their socialist values. In another world, they might have accepted their adoptive caretaker and been content solving mysteries, but he wasn’t family. And this family prefer organized crime.

Any publishers reading this, feel free to reach out, I’ll have my manuscript in your hands shortly. What? These sound a lot like books that already exist, but fucked? How dare you, quite frankly. I’m at the forefront of a trend here, kids love Communist characters and I will be vindicated.