It’s Top 10 list time, dawgs! (Air horn noises) I’m changing my brand. I’m gonna write these like I’m a YouTuber from 2014. Anyway, there’s still so many things to rank! So many possibilities to consider! This time? We’re talking about a topic that totally isn’t vague and esoteric: The best nickname! When I was in High School people called me Caillou. And that sucked. I won’t mention all the weird nicknames I’ve received. And they won’t be on this list. But let’s see what is!

10. Butt Cheese
This is the worst of the worst. Nobody wants to talk to the guy whose nickname is Butt Cheese. It doesn’t matter what kind of personality you have, who you are as a human being, what you do for a career. All people are going to wonder is why you have such a disgusting nickname? What did you do to earn it? Do you smell a certain way? Are you a gross looking person? It’s a confusing one. Anyway. You can’t get worse than that.

9. John Doe/Jane Doe.
We’ve hit a grim note. If you get this “nickname” you’re dead. Not only that, your body was discovered without identification and nobody has claimed your corpse. Very depressing, yes? Yep!!! That’s why it’s the worst one! If I have my way and I don’t die alone and get found by nobody who knows me, my plan is to be cremated and have my ashes baked into brownies, which will be sent to my best friends and most beloved family members. So years from now if you get a brownie in a small red box, you have to eat it or I’ll know you let me down.

8. Meat Sack.
If somebody is calling you Meat Sack, you are being stalked by a serial killer. You are on your way to becoming a John/Jane Doe. This is not good. But. It’s slightly better. Because you aren’t dead yet. You’re still a Meat Sack, you’re not a Doe. All you have to do is survive, defeat the serial killer, and find yourself a new nickname! And I believe in you. You can do it. Stop reading this though, it’s easier to run if you put your phone away.

7. Hell, Stacey, Her, Jane, Quiet, Mary, Jo, Lisa, Darlin’, Bird.
These are of course the ten nicknames from the Ting Tings classic song, “That’s Not My Name”. I initially thought I’d make a list out of ranking these names, but none of them are that interesting. I think the unnamed woman is upset because none of her nicknames make sense. “Hey, Hell’s here at the bar!” “I’m meeting Quiet at the coffee shop on Tuesday!” What are you talking about? And what is a Ting Ting?

6. McSteamy.
If you grew up in the early 2000’s and had a Mom, you may have, like myself, watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. And if, like me, you found it to be unlikeable and dull and have since sworn off much of the hospital television genre because, like most overly depressing procedurals with attractive people that sometimes have sexy times (Cough cough my roommates won’t stop watching Criminal Minds and it’s bad and sad cough fucking cough.) they’re all crappy copy/paste generic bullshit. That said. When this show began, there were two hot guy characters that got nicknames from the other characters in the show, McDreamy and McSteamy. McDreamy was the great Patrick Dempsey and McSteamy was the actor Eric Dane, he’s in things. All of this background is irrelevant. My point is, McSteamy is not a good nickname. First of all, he’s a buff hot guy, but you’re led to think of McDonald’s. And I’m a fairly sweaty man. I don’t want to think about being steamy. I don’t want a nickname that makes people think of a soggy burger.

5. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Do you remember when Prince changed his name to a symbol? No, neither do I, because I wasn’t alive. But what an idea, huh? It means nothing and you can’t pronounce it. I personally think life would be better if we all had names that were just symbols and nobody had to say or remember things.

4. Dick.
It’s not a great nickname, sure, but usually it’s because your name is Richard. It also reminds people of Richard Nixon, so it’s up to you whether you think being compared to deceased President Richard Nixon, who was impeached and disgraced, is fun. You could also compare yourself to Nightwing, the beloved superhero and former sidekick. But mainly people would think of the genital. So. Mileage may vary.

3. William Henry Harrison.
I think this is a great nickname to give somebody else. Somebody who you think is completely stupid. There’s a 90% chance they will not know what you’re talking about. But what you’re saying is that you think the person you’re talking to is so unbelievably idiotic that they’d be elected President of the United States but then decide not to wear a coat to their inauguration and die of pneumonia a month later. It’s actually a scathing insult.

2. The Boy Who Didn’t Cry Wolf But Actually Told The Truth Reliably All The Time.
This is a lengthy one. But it’s nice to know people are confident in your truth-telling abilities. It’s a sign of respect. They’re taking the time to say all this about you. They could be calling you Truth-Telling Timmy Up-Front Umayyad but instead they’re telling you you’re a cool guy and you’re worth the time to say all fifteen words.

1. Watchdog.
I have no justification or explanation for this. I just think it sounds cool. If someone called me Watchdog I would be happy.