Alternate post title: My Snakey Breaky Heart

I’m just going to do spoilers the whole way through because I find it highly unlikely that anybody reading this is going to watch this film at any point in time.

Anaconda(2025) stars Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Thandiwe Newton, Steve Zahn, Daniela Melchior, Selton Mello, Ione Skye, Ice Cube, and Jennifer Lopez. It was written by Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten and directed by Tom Gormican.

The Synopsis
IMDb says “A group of friends are going through a mid-life crisis. They decide to remake a favorite movie from their youth but encounter unexpected events when they enter the jungle.”

Background
There’s a movie from the 90’s called Anaconda. It’s a schlocky horror film with weird performances and it’s accidentally funny I think, I haven’t seen it. There’s a studio called Sony that owns the rights and every year they give the world a lengthy unsolicited seminar on how to fundamentally mishandle film properties and make utter shit. I’m aware this is a very broad generalization. But when it comes to Sony and big franchises like Spider-Man (Except for Spider-Verse obviously) and Ghostbusters and Karate Kid, Sony has a near-perfect track record of fumbling the ball.
If I were Paul Rudd’s manager or agent or whoever, I would strongly encourage him to ignore all the money they probably give him and the chance to work with people he admires and tell him to stop working with Sony.

The Story, In A Nutshell
Four idiots go into the jungle to remake a movie they loved when they were kids, even though they were all in their 30’s when the original came out. But moviemaking is hard work and they have to contend with a weightless CGI snake (Who has little to no visual impact or tension and pops in and out like the filmmakers forgot it was in the movie) and a completely unnecessary subplot about gold miners, with some old-fashioned badly written interpersonal conflict sprinkled in for good measure.

Some Stuff John Wrote Down During The Movie

• It’s weird to start with your subplot and not the movie making bit
• There’s Jack Black Jack Blacking
• He can’t not do a song or a beat or something
• Paul Rudd works at Lowe’s
• Don’t do an accent Paul
• Jack Black’s a husband and a father and he’s gonna go to the jungle?!
• STEVE ZAHN
• I already don’t know about this
• These friends suck
• “She was such a fan of the four episodes I did on SWAT”
• This is such a weird experience of a movie
• I feel like I’m high
• “Remember when we were kids?” “It’s what we dreamed about since we were kids!” SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BEING KIDS
• I like how sweatered and middle class everyone looks
• “I love intergenerational trauma”
• I love the vibe of the snake handler
• The reviews were right, this subplot feels unnecessary
• Even though I like Daniela Melchior
• Paul’s little tie bandana ascot thing is making me feel many things
• There’s like five camera setups and four cuts per scene, that’s so weird
• Why are they all talking about head butts and the different ways to head butt, there’s literally one way
• It does feel weird to follow up a movie that was kind of unknowingly terrible and funny (I assume? I’m not gonna watch it) with a movie that’s purposefully trying to be funny
• It does feel weird to follow up a movie that was kind of unknowingly terrible and funny (I assume? I’m not gonna watch it) with a movie that’s purposefully trying to be funny
• At one point it was said that Matt Berry was voicing the Anaconda and if that doesn’t happen I’m leaving
• When the movie ends because I have to write a blog post about this
• This Paul Rudd character has such a slutty vibe
• THE SNAKE HANDLER’S FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE HAHAHAHAHA
• That was a badly shot death scene, which is a bummer, the light of the flare being swallowed by the snake was a cool visual concept
• “You went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake? You know what that’s called? Producing.”
• It is really surprising this is the first movie that Paul Rudd and Jack Black are fully costarring in
• They watched too many horror movies to not think they could’ve been killed by an actual snake
• “I passed my test on my first try, you took three times!” “That was because of yield, I didn’t know what that was!” What do you mean, Paul, were you just out there running dudes over??
• Fucking gold miners subplot
• Unnecessary
• There’s a murderous snake and a bunch of gold miners and you want to keep making the movie??
• Also they’re doing the same thing they did with the Nic Cage movie, they’re making meta commentary about what they’re adding to the plot, it’s irritating because it’s not that good an addition
• “You’re like the white Jordan Peele” is fucking insane
• Is Paul Rudd’s character meant to be in his 30’s or 40’s, I can’t tell
• This friend conflict scene is so fucking forced
• The fact that they ran into the filming of the actual Anaconda reboot is funny though
• Oh Daniela Melchior is the gold miner, that’s vaguely interesting I guess
• How does Paul Rudd know how to use a gun
• I don’t like that this is PG13 and there aren’t bloody fucked up snake scenes
• Everything is so vague and weird
• This peeing scene is so insane
• Man it would be nice if the whole Jack Black not being dead thing wasn’t spoiled in the trailers
• This movie isn’t offensively bad at least
• It’s a good enough time
• I gotta stop writing
• Oh the pig is alive that’s funny
• “The writer never finished the third act” yeah that’s how it is
• I wish it felt like the snake had some kind of character and not like it just showed up randomly whenever the writers want it to
• Like Ice Cube being in this though
• Buffalo International Film Festival hahaha
• Steve Zahn has a bolo tie, that’s great
• So Paul and Thandiwe did end up together
• Man Sony should not be allowed to make movies
• Oh fuck why you here Jennifer Lopez
• Yeah this cameo sucks
• If you were already doing another and everyone died why would you try to make it again again

In Conclusion
I mean it’s just not a very good movie. I’ve been doing life stuff and struggling to get general day to day things done and I haven’t gotten around to this review, but in the last four months it certainly hasn’t grown in my estimation. It’s a movie about making movies that has little interest in being a movie about making movies. It’s a monster movie that has little interest in being a monster movie, and theoretically it should be a love letter to schlocky horror flicks but isn’t that at all. Everything it does it does half-heartedly. And it’s a complete waste of the concepts and actors involved in making this kind of movie.

I wish this were better.
It could be Tropic Thunder but it’s just Ghostbusters again. But worse. It kind of burned me. I don’t quite understand what Etten and Gormican are up to. They’re some of the best guys currently working when it comes to creating home run premises and then ruining their own movie by adding all this unnecessary shit and avoiding the one thing that can make it great.

These are the same guys who made The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, which is such a missed opportunity of a film, and, quite frankly, a disservice to Nic Cage and misunderstanding of what his power is as an actor. It’s meant to be a movie about a campy fun weird guy and yet they kind of drain the joy out of the concept. The same happens here.

I would love to say differently. But it’s undoubtedly one of the weaker entries in the Paul Rudd filmography. Or maybe that’s stupid to say. Paul’s been in some real stinkers. I was reminiscing about it recently, about all the shit I’ve watched for this stupid blog. I just wish that a movie with this cast was better than it is, and I don’t know how to write a post that isn’t just me saying that a dozen more times.

Looking back at my notes, there is something here. There’s some good jokes. But… ugh. Steve Zahn is in this!!! I was at a baseball game that he was at! But this is the kind of movie that makes me hate modern cinema. This feels so goddamn low effort. It feels like most of Jack Black’s late stage filmography has just become Gulliver’s Travels a dozen times over. And I can’t watch something like this and come away feeling joyful. All I can say is that Death of a Unicorn was way better and it’s weird that I saw two Jack Black movies last year with post credit scenes of him meeting someone in a doorway.

IONE FUCKING SKYE IS IN THIS! THE STAR OF SAY ANYTHING IS IN A MOVIE WITH THANDIWE NEWTON, STEVE ZAHN, AND TWO OF THE BIGGEST COMEDY STARS OF THEIR GENERATION AND YOU GIVE ME THIS PUDDLE OF NOTHING?! HOW DARE YOU?!?! YOU MADE A BAD MOVIE!!! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Overall Rating: 5.3/10(I would rate this higher if the concept was executed better and the movie was made by different people and it was good.)
Rudd Rating: 8.5/10(I don’t like this movie but I adore the incredibly slutty energy the man brings to this performance. It’s one of his most himbo roles. And that’s saying something. The distinction being that this himbo is badly written and maybe not intended to be that way.)

Next time on Ruddtrospective… I haven’t decided. Power Ballad is out in June, which I’m very excited about. I’m just getting back on track right now. We shall see, you and I. But I’m back! Mostly.