Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, enjoying some excellent turkey(Unless you’re vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian or something else I’m forgetting), and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. And nobody is thanking them. Over the last month I sat down with a few of these poor souls in an attempt to help them find recognition, and maybe even a little peace. This is one of those stories.
Warning: The transcript below includes some shocking imagery that is not for the faint of heart. If you are a child reading this, turn it off and go play with some Polly Pockets or something. This tale of holiday horror is not for you.
Second More Realistic Warning: The above warning was a farce to try and add atmosphere to this weird fake interview thing I’m doing. The transcript you are about to read is obviously a joke. But also a little dark. I don’t know. Just read the damn thing and decide for yourself.
After Malcolm was apologized to many times and I could finally breathe again, I began my final interview. This one is a little shorter than the others, as my guest quickly became hostile. We also had to bring a translator in. You’ll understand why in a moment.
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
ME: I’m currently speaking with Maude. Maude, thank you for agreeing to do this.
MAUDE: GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE.
TRANSLATOR: “Thank you for having me.”
ME: I should state for the record, in case it isn’t already clear, that Maude is a turkey.
MAUDE: GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK.
TRANSLATOR: “Yeah, no shit.”
ME: (Clears throat)So, uh… Before we begin, Maude, I am going to have to ask you to put out your cigarette. Unfortunately we cannot allow smoking in here.
[Up until now Maude had been chain-smoking and was now surrounded by a very dense cloud.]
MAUDE: CLUCK CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE.
TRANSLATOR: “Make me.”
ME: Right. Just tell us your story then, I guess?
MAUDE: GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK CLUCK GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE.
TRANSLATOR: “I was born into a large family with about 37 siblings. We were very close, but you have to be when you live in a coop. After about four months some of my brothers and sisters started to disappear. First Benji, then Adam. Agnes, Veronica, Winston. And Carol. Wasn’t long till’ there were only 15 of us left. It was pretty clear what was happening.”
ME: I assume this bothered you?
MAUDE: CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE.
TRANSLATOR: “No, not really. I said we were close, but having 36 siblings can get pretty annoying. Having so much extra space was kind of nice. The thing that pissed me off was the fact that I never got picked.”
ME: I’m sorry?
MAUDE: GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK!
TRANSLATOR: “Soon the other 14 got picked too. But I’m still here! What’s the meaning of that?! I bet I taste delicious!”
ME: I… Wow. Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was expecting. Why would you want to be eaten, Maude?
MAUDE: CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK?!
TRANSLATOR: “It’s not that I want to be eaten. It’s the principle of it. I was born at the same time as those idiots. I look the same, I weigh the same. What’s wrong with me? Hundreds of turkeys are killed and eaten every year and yet I get overlooked?!”
ME: You don’t consider it a blessing at all? You aren’t happy to be alive?
MAUDE: GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK!!!
TRANSLATOR: “At first I suppose I was. But after a while I became bitter. Suddenly a year had gone by and I’m still there! Still haven’t been picked! No Thanksgiving with Maude! Then another year passes! And another! And another!!!”
ME: Wait, how long have you-
MAUDE: GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!
TRANSLATOR: “Seven years!!!”
ME: But Maude, that’s amazing!!! I assume they take your eggs?
MAUDE: CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK!
TRANSLATOR: “No, they don’t take my eggs! I’m just there!!! For seven years I’ve been waiting to be picked! Not one single person wants to eat me! Will you eat me??
ME: No, I won’t eat you. Why would you ask me that? Of course I won’t.
MAUDE: CLUCK GOBBLE GOBBLE CLUCK GOBBLE!!!
TRANSLATOR: “How dare you?!?! I’ll kill you!!!”
ME: Maude, wait! Don’t- Ow!!! Please, for the love of God, get off of me! No, not the hair, not the face!!! Maude, get awa-
[END TRANSCRIPT]
Thank you for reading the final chapter in this series of interviews, and I hope you are left with a bit more perspective on the plights of others. There were a few poor souls I was unable to interview for this series, including a football who feels somewhat deflated by the holidays, a collection of neglected fancy plates, and a brokenhearted wishbone. So please keep their feelings in mind as you celebrate this day of gratitude. Sometimes a simple “thank you” is all it takes to avoid being mauled by a turkey or suffocated by a balloon.
Too Many Servings Of John 