An Assortment of Misadventures

John VS Plumbing

A few nights ago the City of Duluth decided to turn off the water everywhere for reasons that remain unclear. This occurred at an inopportune time. I had just gone to the bathroom and I went to wash my hands. The bathroom faucet decided not to cooperate.


I tried to turn the shower on, and that didn’t work either.


I checked the toilet. At that point I didn’t want to wash my hands, I was just curious. Nothing.


And finally I went into the kitchen to try the faucet there. I knew it wouldn’t work but I wanted to try. But water came out! I was thrilled! It started to sputter out in short bursts and I eagerly pumped out some soap and held my hands out expectantly. At which point the water changed to a steady stream of brown liquid, causing me to jump and let loose a shriek. I haven’t screamed that loud since a frog came into our house and I tried to catch it and bring it outside and my dad said “Careful, it’s going to jump at your face.” And then it jumped at my face and I screamed. So I stood there trying to figure out what was wrong with the water. My immediate thought was that it was my fault and I had forgotten to pay the water bill. It took me too long to remember I don’t pay bills for my campus apartment. My stroke of genius arrived when I came up with the idea to rub my hands around an ice cube. But that made the soap all clammy and sticky. My actually good idea was to put the ice cube in our kettle and heat it up for a few seconds. Because it was an ice cube it didn’t end up too hot, and my idea ended up being amazing. So if your city decides to shut off your water seconds after you finish peeing, just do what I do. The kettle thing though, not the other stuff.

John VS Wasteful Habits

I was walking down the street this morning when I stepped on a piece of french bread. I kept walking and found another about seven feet ahead. By the end of the block I had discovered a whole loaf laid out on the sidewalk behind me. I am definitely not one to criticize others for their wasteful habits, but as a bread lover myself, I would like to make a statement: It was one thing when you used crumbs, but GPS exists now, as do maps and phones. But if you really insist on clinging to your tried and true method, Hansel and Gretel, I ask that you be more conservative with your trail markers. There’s no sense in wasting a perfectly good loaf of french bread just so you can keep track of where you were. There are so many other options for you! You could even use checkers or game pieces of some kind. I’d rather you use something that will have no effect on the environment, like pieces of plastic or cans of oil, than throw away some innocent bread. Please respect your bread in the future.

John VS John

I was trying to come up with a third thing to write about for this but my mind drew a complete blank. Which is weird, because I’ve done so many dumb things. Not all of them justify a paragraph, mind you. Or three paragraphs where I try to pad the word count instead of just saying “I washed my hands with an ice cube.” I try to go on adventures and do things. But sometimes you can’t remember the dumb things you’ve done either by yourself or with your friends because you haven’t gotten randomly depressed in a few days and your body just decides it’s time. And I have done a lot of dumb things, but I’ve also done so little in the grand scheme of things. I am 19 years old, yes, but a lot of people my age have done way more with their lives other than just sit at home for 14 years being sad and reading comic books. I’m like the guy in the movie Soul, except I’m not stupid enough to accept that it’s my time to die. That guy hadn’t done anything with his life. He spent the whole movie trying not to die and then he thought back to a few times that he played the piano and hung out with his mom and looked at some leaves. And he just accepted it was time for him to go. How dumb is that??? I look at leaves every day. That doesn’t mean I’ve lived a fulfilling life and it’s time for me to go. I’m sitting here trying to think of things I’ve done and the only memories that come to mind are the two separate times I road a mechanical bull. I don’t know. The point is, random bouts of depression suck. The movie Soul isn’t as good as people say it is. And even if your OCD won’t let you release two random pieces of writing, you shouldn’t try to force a third. Oh, and I vow to do more with my life and not end up like the dumbass main character from Soul. If you think I’m being harsh, just remember he dies falling through an empty manhole cover.

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