As a gift to myself I have decided not to write some long involved poem or joke interview or story about evil corporations. There are so many “funny takes” on the holiday season and I really just don’t see the point of adding my own. Especially because I’ve been focused on my posts for next week and I procrastinated. I thought long and hard about what to write today. Do I talk about Home Sweet Home Alone, an objectively horrible movie? Do I write about capitalism and how it makes Christmas such a special holiday? Do I complain about my relatives for comedic value? But now, as I sit and write this thirty minutes before I intend to publish it, I realize that I don’t need to do any of that. Because sometimes Christmas isn’t about giving to others. It’s about giving to yourself. So I’m giving myself the opportunity to write about nothing today. What do I mean by nothing? I’m glad you asked. I’m going to sit here and list 26 random things in alphabetical order. And that’s the post. I’m tired and lazy and I want to do the bare minimum. And isn’t that the true spirit of Christmas at the end of the day? Anyway, enjoy my list of nothing.
Abercrombie & Fitch
Banana Hammocks
Calligraphy
Dance Moms
Elsa from Frozen
Frozen
Glue
Hasenpfeffer
Inigo Montoya
Juice Boxes(But Not Caprisun, Because It Makes My Stomach Feel Weird)
Kieran Culkin
Leprosy
Macaulay Culkin
Needlepoint Pillows
Orthodontists
Purell®
Quadratic Formula
Rotisserie Chicken
Stalin
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Uma Thurman
Vests
Water Polo
Xerox
Yankovic, “Weird Al”
Zeppelins
There! My random list of words is complete! I’ll be surprised if you enjoyed this, but who really cares? Merry Christmas to everyone out there doing the bare minimum, and to those people in particular, a good night.
Too Many Servings Of John 