Ruddtrospective #11: The One Where John Hates F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Full spoilers for 17 episodes of one of the most popular TV shows in the world. If you haven’t seen it you at least know about it. Those six actors are richer and more famous than most of the global population.

I didn’t think I hated F.R.I.E.N.D.S., but then I watched 17 episodes in a row. And now I know for sure that I despise F.R.I.E.N.D.S. very, very much. I don’t need to tell you the synopsis of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. because again, everyone knows this show and who is in it. But I’ll tell you anyway. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is about five idiots and a woman named Phoebe who live in inexplicably high-priced apartments in New York City, despite the fact that half of them don’t make any money. The most competent friend is Monica, who is played by Courtney Cox. Monica is a chef who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and seems like an incredibly unpleasant person to spend time with. She used to go to school with an incredibly spoiled rich woman named Rachel(Jennifer Aniston), who over time becomes a less selfish person? I guess? The most tolerable friend is Phoebe(Lisa Kudrow), who is, out of the six, the least horrible person. She’s also a massage therapist, I guess? Then there’s Joey(Matt LeBlanc) and Chandler(Matthew Perry). Chandler went to college with Monica’s brother, who I’ll get to. Chandler’s a sarcastic dick, but he’s my favorite of the six. Joey is an idiotic actor who beds women all the time despite having no perceivable charisma. I can’t remember how the others know him, and I don’t care. But he lives with Chandler until Chandler marries Monica halfway through the show. The final friend is easily the worst friend, and quite possibly the worst character in anything ever. Ross, played by David Schwimmer, is Monica’s brother and Rachel’s on again, off again boyfriend. Ross is the scum of the earth. He’s a paleontologist, and thinks that makes him smarter and better than the others. But it doesn’t. Ross is a whiny, idiotic, horrible human being. Every part of David Schwimmer’s performance is grating, especially the voice. If it was intended that Ross would be a horrible character, than bravo. A job well done. We’ll get into why I hate him so much later.

Since I have to cover 17 episodes, I’m going to do my best to keep my thoughts short. Thankfully I don’t have that much to say, which means I can dedicate more time to my hatred of Ross.

Season 9, Episode 3: The One with the Pediatrician
Some stuff with Monica and Chandler’s jobs happens in this episode that’s really boring and I don’t care. Oh and it’s called The One with the Pediatrician because there’s a subplot about Ross still seeing his childhood pediatrician for check-ups. This leads to the others making fun of him a bunch and him acting like the whiny little child that he is. But the main story is about Phoebe and Joey setting up a blind double date with each other that Joey forgets about right away. A few hours before the date, Phoebe asks what the guy’s name is. Joey panics and says his name is Mike. This forces him to run down to the coffee shop and yell out “MIKE!” Which is when we meet Mike Hannigan. I’m sure I don’t need to say who plays him. So anyway, Joey brings Mi- IT’S PAUL RUDD. PAUL RUDD PLAYS MIKE. I KNOW IT’S OBVIOUS BUT IF PAUL RUDD WASN’T SO DAMN CHARISMATIC I COULDN’T STAND WATCHING SO MUCH OF THIS CRAP. So anyway, Joey brings Mike to the double date and pretends that Mike is an old friend while barely interacting with the woman that Phoebe set him up with. Easily seeing through Joey’s bad lies, Phoebe gets incredibly upset and storms out of the restaurant. Mike finds her at the coffee shop later and convinces her to go on a date with him for real after playing the air piano. And that’s the first episode. I’m not going to rate each episode individually because they’re all pretty much terrible.

Season 9, Episode 4: The One with the Sharks
In this episode Monica surprises Chandler at his hotel while he’s watching porn and he changes the channel quickly to make her think he isn’t watching porn, so she becomes convinced that he’s turned on by sharks. Okay. And just as Phoebe and Mike’s relationship is beginning, Ross accidentally makes Phoebe realize that she’s never been in a serious relationship before. Because Ross is an idiot and a dick. And he keeps trying to help but ends up making her cry every time she’s about to see Mike. There’s a funny but where Ross opens Phoebe’s door for Mike and Mike says “It feels like you’re on the other side of every door lately.” Again, Mike and Phoebe = Good. Everything else = Bad.

Season 9, Episode 6: The One with the Male Nanny
This is one of Ross’s worst episodes. Him and Rachel are looking for a Nanny to watch their baby and end up hiring a sensitive male nanny that Ross just isn’t okay with. He doesn’t think that a man should be a nanny. Because Ross is such a masculine character himself. It sucks and boo. Also Phoebe runs into her old boyfriend, David(Hank Azaria), and almost ends up cheating on Mike with him, but Mike walks in as they kiss. Mike forgives her after having a really reluctant confrontation with David where they just point at each other a bunch. Because Mike is great and loyal and no woman is good enough for him.

Season 9, Episode 7: The One with Ross’s Inappropriate Song
In this episode Ross and Rachel learn that their baby loves and will laugh along to the song Baby Got Back. Which is not funny. The last thing I want is to see David Schwimmer singing that song. And Phoebe meets Mike’s stuck-up, rich parents. They aren’t nice to Phoebe and it pisses Mike off until he yells at them and professes his love for Phoebe. And his parents are odd characters to watch because his mom is played by the same actress who plays Ted’s mom on How I Met Your Mother. And Ted’s mom is a completely different character, so it’s weird seeing her in this. Mike plays the straight man in this episode, but he’s still great. And there’s some stuff going on with the other three two probably, I don’t really care.

Season 9, Episode 9: The One with Rachel’s Phone Number
This is one of Mike Hannigan’s best episodes. Phoebe and Rachel go out for a night on the town while Ross and Mike hang at Ross’s apartment eating pizza and drinking beer. The night quickly becomes awkward for the two of them when they realize they have nothing to talk about at all. They just end up sitting there for like three hours until Mike decides to leave. The second he leaves Mike gets a call from Phoebe telling him that Rachel gave her number to a guy and Mike has to stay at Ross’s and watch the phone so Ross doesn’t find out. So Mike goes back in and their night gets worse. Ross is even somewhat tolerable. And then Mike leaves and Ross gets the call anyway. I love some awkward comedy.

Season 9, Episode 12: The One with Phoebe’s Rats
There’s some drama surrounding Rachel’s birthday party, her coworker, and them kissing, but who cares. Also Phoebe has a rat in her apartment that has a shit ton of babies and she has to be convinced to do the same thing and get rid of them. Mike tries to make her get rid of them but ends up supporting her for a while because he’s a treasure and he’s a better person than every friend except for Phoebe.

Season 9, Episode 13: The One Where Monica Sings
There was some really annoying shit with Ross in this episode and I eventually just skipped it all. Because he’s awful and I don’t care. Him and Rachel have an argument and Rachel takes her daughter and move into Joey’s apartment. And Phoebe and Mike bring Monica to a piano club for “singing night” and everybody loves Monica’s singing because the spotlight shows off the fact that Monica isn’t wearing a bra. Chandler shows up and tries to get her to stop singing, but when she finds out why people are cheering she decides to keep going anyway. And there’s a creepy ongoing joke about a guy in the audience who likes to touch himself and they come back to the joke 90 times and it isn’t funny. Boo.

Season 9, Episode 16: The One with the Boob Job
Monica and Chandler end up having another misunderstanding and it really doesn’t matter at all. But while that stupid subplot is happening, Mike and Phoebe decide to move in together. Until they start talking about where their relationship is heading and Mike says he doesn’t want to get married because him and his Ex were married for ten years and he thinks it’s cursed. But Phoebe really wants to get married and she tries to compromise but then realizes she shouldn’t have to compromise her dreams in a relationship. So they break up mid move-in day. And that’s it. He’s gone from the show forever. End of review.

Season 9, Episode 17: The One with the Memorial Service
Huh, that’s weird. Why am I still reviewing these? I’m sorry, did you say Paul Rudd isn’t gone yet?? Ugh. So Ross and Chandler’s college sets up a chat thing for alumni and they keep pranking each other back and forth until Chandler tricks everyone into thinking that Ross is dead. But nobody cares because Ross is horrible and he decides to hold a memorial service that no one goes to except for some girl he liked that hates him as soon as she finds out he’s alive. Also Mike and Phoebe try to get over each other but they can’t, no matter how much Monica meddling is attempted.

Season 9, Episode 23: The One in Barbados
I didn’t watch the sixteen episodes in between these, but apparently Phoebe and Mike broke up for real and Phoebe started dating Hank Azaria again. And then Hank Azaria decides to propose to Phoebe in Barbados, which is where everyone has gone for some dumb science conference that Ross is giving a speech at. Monica finds out from Chandler that Azaria is going to propose and calls Mike because Phoebe is still in love with him. Mike shows up and proposes as Azaria is trying to propose and Phoebe says no. She doesn’t want to get married right away, she just wants to know that it’s in their future. So Azaria leaves and Mike stays for the second half of this double episode. There’s also some stuff with Rachel, Joey, Ross, and some cool scientist woman Joey is dating. But who cares. In the second half Monica and Mike have a ping pong tournament that Mike almost wins but doesn’t.

Season 10, Episode 1: The One After Rachel and Joey Kiss
A bunch of eavesdropping happens in Barbados and then everyone goes home. Phoebe helps Mike dump his current girlfriend and they make Mike seem like a jerk, but they don’t address it again. Which I think is really weird. Also Monica gets dreads and it’s horrible.

Season 10, Episode 5: The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits
I can’t remember what Paul Rudd does in this. It’s either in this episode or the next one that Phoebe decides to donate their wedding budget to charity and then changes her mind three different times. Don’t know, don’t care.

Season 10, Episode 7: The One With the Home Study
Ditto for this one. He’s probably charming in it though.

Season 10, Episode 12: The One with Phoebe’s Wedding
Paul Rudd is extremely charming in this episode. Him and Phoebe get married in the middle of a snowstorm and Joey acts like Phoebe’s dad and gets super protective. Everyone else sucks.

Season 10, Episode 14: The One with Princess Consuela
In this episode Phoebe learns she can change her name to anything and so she changes it to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, which then inspires Mike to change his name to Crap Bag. This bit is funny. I can’t remember what else happens.

Season 10, Episode 17: The Last One
I had seen this episode before and I didn’t really love it then. Basically Ross and Rachel end up together for no reason, Chandler and Monica get extra kids, and they all leave the apartment. I’m sure it’s a good ending if you like the show, but I don’t and Paul Rudd is barely in it.

Overall Rating: 1/10(I give this a 1 out of 10 purely because of David Schwimmer’s performance alone. Not enjoyable or funny. Boo.)
Rudd Rating: 9/10(He’s so instantly likable in this show and I love him. But I’m marking him down a point because I had to watch this show.)

So I really didn’t enjoy this. The stuff I’m gonna talk about next week is a hell of a lot better. Also apparently I didn’t finish this review back when I made it and I’m finishing it months later. Sorry.

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