Walking In A Winter Wonderland

As I step out the door I feel the chill begin to creep through my body
If I don’t move quickly I soon won’t be able to move at all
I’m ten feet away from my apartment and my legs are already going numb
I knew I should’ve worn something thicker than my Space Jam: A New Legacy socks
But sometimes you have to prioritize style over pain
My ears are practically useless now
Well, not entirely
They’re perfect if you want radish-colored frozen blobs that can’t hear for shit
I still have fifty feet to go, and I’m worried I’m not gonna make it
The involuntary sweat on my forehead has solidified
And the moisture on my right eyelid has frozen
So for the next five minutes I’ll be stuck looking constipated and annoyed
But I won’t worry about that now
I’m in the homestretch with thirty feet to go

Which is something I shouldn’t have said
In comes the wind
Ravaging every bare inch of skin like my Grandpa eating a calzone
But I will not be defeated!
I’m twenty feet away
Fifteen feet
I’m running, practically flying toward the door like the majestic sea otter
Nothing can stop me!
Wait, what’s that shiny patch on the gro-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
There is no being on Earth who has fallen on their ass as fast as I
I have been defeated
As the cold overtakes my body, I stare at the Heavens and shout
“WHY?! WHY MUST YOU BETRAY ME?!?!”
For the next 23 seconds I alternate between cursing the universe and catching my breath so I can curse the universe some more
How could I fall mere steps before the door that would bring me salvation from the cold?
Wait, mere steps?
Oh yeah, the door is right in front of me
I stand, collect myself, and politely curse the universe one last time before entering the library
The cold almost got me
But next time I’ll be ready
For it is my burden to deal with the consequences of my past decisions
“No, I want to go to school in Duluth! I like the cold! I can wear more flannels!”
Idiot

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