I’m Just So Tired

I fell asleep during my Communications class again today. The teacher didn’t notice, because he’s teaching 120 students in a big lecture hall. It sounds like I didn’t snore this time, and I doubt anyone else noticed. I also record the lectures for this class, so I really didn’t miss anything. It’s all good.

At this point you’re probably thinking “John, do you really think it’s all good? I don’t know why you would bring it up if you thought it was all good. And this blog post seems to be a little longer than just a paragraph. Are you sure this whole thing isn’t just pretense for you to complain and say a bunch of negative things about yourself?”

I have to give you kudos, because you made a really good point. It does seem like that’s what I’m doing. But, I’m sorry to disappoint you. This time I decided to take the high road and focus on the positives instead of the nega- I’M JUST KIDDING, YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. I DON’T THINK IT’S ALL GOOD. THIS IS PRETENSE. AND I’M GONNA COMPLAIN SO MUCH.

There is nothing on this Earth that I enjoy less than falling asleep randomly. And Jared Leto, but that’s a given. And I especially despise falling asleep involuntarily during class. Every time it happens, it feels like I’ve lost control. It also only seems to happen right before everyone around me starts doing something else. So when I wake up, I’m like the guy that went into a coma right before the zombie apocalypse began. As the teacher begins to wrap up his lecture my eyes slowly close. And when I open them, the whole world suddenly looks different(Rearranged tables), and society has splintered into different factions(Independent group work).

It’s doubly frustrating because I go to so much effort to not fall asleep. I always try to get as much sleep as I can, and if I feel drowsy during the day, I drink a caramel macchiato. And I’m not happy about that either. Every time I take a sip of that swill I feel like I’m betraying myself. I was eight years old when I tried coffee for the first time. I hated it so much that I vowed then and there to never drink it again. Now I can’t get through the day without it.

And yeah, I know that I’m not the first person that doesn’t like coffee but has to drink it anyway. Sometimes I’ll drink Coke, but I know it’s bad for you, so I try to avoid it. And drinking Five Hour Energy is like drinking the Kool Aid Man’s urine. If I had my way I wouldn’t have to drink any of this crap. I never used to worry about staying awake. Energy was never a problem for me. When I was a little kid I would run around like the Energizer Bunny on cocaine. Every time it seemed like I was getting tired, I would always find more energy to draw upon. I didn’t stop moving for the first twelve years of my life. Even when I was sleeping, I was moving. I can’t tell you how many times my dad went to check on me and saw that I had my face in my pillow and my ass in the air, fully asleep and forming a triangle with the bed. My theory is that when I lose consciousness I become a real Yoga nut.

I never stopped talking, either. I think I was five years old when I wrote my first hit song. You’ve probably heard of it by now. It’s quite famous. It’s called the “I Poop On…” Song. It’s really quite simple to learn. You just have to be able to name things you can see. Like this:

I poop on you
I poop on her
I poop on desk
I poop on cat
I poop on ceiling

And you just continue this in perpetuity until you either run out of things to say that you’re pooping on, or someone inevitably duct-tapes your mouth shut. A few years later I came up with my patented Knock-Knock Joke. It’s quite similar to the “I Poop On…” Song, and is, in many ways, the much more socially acceptable spiritual successor. Observe:

“KNOCK KNOCK!”
“Who’s there?”
“LAMP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“That’s very funny, Johnny.”
“GOOD! KNOCK KNOCK!”
“Yes? Who’s there?”
“CHEESEBURGER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“You got me again.”
“KNOCK KNOCK!”
“…Who’s there?”
“YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“Good job. That’s your best one yet.”
“KNOCK KNOCK!”
“(Sigh)What?”
“ASK THE QUESTION!!!”
“Fine. Who’s there?”
“THESE BATHROOM TILE SAMPLES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!”
“Wait, why do you have those?”
“WHO CARES?!?! KNOCK KNOCK!”

And it would go on like this for a while, until they realized they could defeat me if they said “Come in” instead of “Who’s there?”. Again, it’s pretty simple to replicate. But you have to remember to cackle after every punchline, to make sure that the person you’re tormenting knows how funny and creative you are.

As I grew older I retained my massive amounts of energy, while also honing my ability to make sure everyone around me knew what I was thinking at all times. If you had class with me in seventh grade then you had the misfortune of being around me at my peak of obnoxiousness.

Especially if you were in Mr. Merthan’s History class with me. If you were in that class with me, you deserve an award for not strangling me to death. Many apologies to anyone who had to go through that. I don’t think we ever learned anything in that class, since I spent the whole time talking about Canada and annoying singing historians. I think I went down to the Nurse one day and then came back and told everyone I had kicked a carrot down the stairs? Horrifying.

Once I hit high school my relentless energy finally began to fade. I’m aware that this is what happens as you grow older, but I can’t really help but feel resentful. I’m so tired all the time now, and if I had an ounce of the energy that little goblin-me leaked on a daily basis, I wouldn’t need to sleep for weeks. But I’m just stuck remembering what I was like when I couldn’t fall asleep while I desperately search for ways to stay awake.