I have a lot of really weird ideas rolling around in my head that I just need to get on paper. So I thought I could do it in the form of movie pitches! So we’ll see how this goes. And if anyone has any suggestions on how to continue to avoid finishing my Space Jam: A New Legacy Review, let me know! Let’s do it.
Count Skunkula – This Vampire Smells
You’ve seen vampires roam around castles and act sad in Dracula. You’ve seen them try to date teenage girls in the Twilight franchise. You’ve seen them fight Blade, Buffy, Abraham Lincoln, and Will Smith. You’ve even seen them try to stop Selena Gomez and Andy Samberg from falling in love. But you’ve probably never seen them like this. Meet Count Skunkula. Count Skunkula was just a regular skunk named Franklin, until one day… HE WAS ATTACKED! AHH! By a dying and very hungry vampire. But instead of killing Franklin, he turned him… INTO COUNT SKUNKULA!!! AHH! Wait, does that work? I feel like I already ruined that reveal. And is it even a reveal to begin with? Or does it really matter? Ugh. Let’s just move on. Anyway, COUNT SKUNKULA!!! AHH! Now Franklin can’t survive without drinking blood. But he can’t get close enough to a victim to feed, because he stinks! And, uh, his girlfriend is upset because he seems completely different? Yeah. Sure. Watch as one young skunk in love tries to have it all: Love, food, and… football! Yeah, why not. We’ll say he also plays football. He’s a vampire. He smells. He has a girlfriend. And he plays football. COUNT SKUNKULA!!!
The Igloo of Love – Cold-Blooded Lovers
Terrence and Jessica are Arctic researchers. They’ve spent the last seven months together in an Arctic research facility, keeping track of Arctic things. It’s just the two of them, alone. And they’re both going insane. They very quickly realize that they hate each other more than anything in the world. Because he likes rock bands and video games and she likes K-Pop and books. They spend months stomping around and scowling at their data about snowy things. But one day Sylvester the talking penguin reminds Terrence that hate and love are very similar emotions. And Terrence and Jessica fall for each other hard. Now they’re prancing around the Arctic base and staring lovingly at their data about snowy things. But soon this new love will be put to the test. A month into their relationship, Terrence and Jessica decide to go for a walk together outside. But they accidentally lock themselves out of the research facility. Now they’re stuck in an igloo trying to survive. And a giant snowstorm is headed their way. Is their fiery love enough to keep them warm? No. No, it isn’t. Be sure to watch Terrence and Jessica’s slow, painful, and unnecessary deaths on the big screen!
William Henry Harrison: Secret Agent – Shaping History from the Shadows
Everyone remembers William Henry Harrison, the ninth president of the United States of America. Everybody remembers how he neglected to wear a coat at his inauguration and tragically died from pneumonia 31 days later. We collectively mourn him on April 4th, so we can remember what a loss our country suffered just 180 years ago. But what if that wasn’t the whole story? What if Harrison’s death was merely a ruse put into place so that Harrison could become one of the greatest spies the world has ever known? After Harrison’s public and notoriously avoidable death, nobody would suspect the famed politician was secretly alive. Watch as Harrison operates from the shadows, toppling empires and shaping the future as we know it. Marvel as this 68 year old man saves America from hundreds of threats, both internal and external. You won’t want to pass up on the brand new spy thriller starring the man who used to be your favorite president, but will soon be your favorite spy. Move over, Bond. It’s Harrison time.
Lead-Lined Killers – We Pushed Them Too Far… and now they’ve SNAPPED!
Pencils. The least-appreciated tool known to man. We break them, use them till there’s nothing left, or forget them altogether. We’ve tried to replace them with newer models multiple times. And they’ve had enough. The pencils are coming for us all, and nobody is safe. Our only hope is Andy and Adam, two artist brothers who wield the magical pen that could end this all. Watch as they traverse the flaming wreck that America has become, in search of the leader of the pencil army: Patricia. They’ll have to face trillions of angry pencils if they want to stop Patricia from erasing us from existence. And unfortunately for Andy and Adam, the pencils aren’t the only inanimate object fed up with the humans… Watch the thrilling race against the clock to stop humanity from being rewritten!
Sax Life – The Mole-Man Playeth
Are you tired of musician biopics that all play out the same way? Would you rather see something new that doesn’t start with a famous musician looking back on their life before an important gig? Well, good! It’s time for the world to hear the story of Bert, the famous Mole-Man saxophonist. Watch at the most beloved subterranean musician of all time makes his way to the top of the charts with such soothing melodies as I’m Sick of All This Dirt, Who Ate My Boiled Roots?, and I Wonder What The Sun Is Like. Gasp with delight as you witness the loving recreation of his concert with his role model, John Moletrane. And try not to cry as you watch his struggle to find an audience above ground. Get ready to hear the story of the most geographically unique musician in a whole new way! This summer is Bert Time, baby!
If you’re in the film industry and you want to option any of these ideas, feel free to shoot me an email. But try not to hit me up all at once, I know these are all fairly lucrative ideas. I hope you enjoyed this, because I really enjoyed writing it. Let me know if I should do this again!