John’s TV Show Pitches!

Following the immense success of my five weird movie pitches, I thought I should take my talents to another industry entirely. Why stop with movies when I can make way more money off these incredibly lucrative ideas I have? It’s time for me to take my talents to TV!

Hoopy DaysHoop Springs Eternal
Willard and his best friend, Theo, are down on their luck nobodies with no future in sight. Until they luck their way onto a pro hula-hooping team called The Rings of Fire right before a National competition. Now they have friends and a job, and they can travel the country hula hooping to their heart’s content. Willard even starts a relationship with one of his teammates, Renee. But there’s one problem. Willard and Theo can’t hula hoop! Watch as two complete idiots try to bluff their way out of trouble and into our hearts! And even though this sounds like a one-note premise, we’re going to make nine seasons! There’ll be a laugh track and incredibly unfunny and generic writing. It’s gonna be a massive hit!

The Ultimate Game ShowReality Run Rampant
I often ask myself, what could be better than reality TV? How can you improve something that has essentially been perfected already? And then I realized. The ultimate reality TV show is every reality TV show rolled into one. Interested? Of course you are. Contestants are gathered from all around the world and brought to a state of the art facility to prepare for the first challenge they will be facing over the next five days. These challenges are detailed below.
Day One –
Challenge #1: The first challenge is the most appetizing. Our contestants must make three separate meals for the judges while also answering trivia questions for money. If they don’t win either competition, you don’t go on to the next round. Let’s see if they can stand the heat!
Day Two –
Challenge #2: The second challenge is all about multitasking. Our contestants must pitch a business idea to a group of investors while participating in an obstacle course that will definitely be quite difficult. We’re not allowed to use the phrase Wipe Out for legal reasons, but it’s basically Wipe Out. Let’s hope our contestants can keep up with everything we throw at them… and the obstacle course! Ha! Again, they must land a deal with the investors and complete the obstacle course to continue.
Day Three –
Challenge #3: On Day Three the contestants will be put through the emotional gauntlet. At the crack of dawn, each contestant will be dropped out of a helicopter into a various remote patch of wilderness- along with a blind date! Our contestants have to survive twelve hours in the wild, while we force them to fall in love with someone we specifically know they would hate! If they don’t fall in love, or make it out alive, they lose.
Challenge #4: The day isn’t over yet! Now each contestant has been paired with a completely random family of people they don’t know. This new familial unit will be going up against the contestant’s real family in a game of ‘I HATE MY FAMILY'(We didn’t say Family Feud, so you can’t sue). If they can’t conquer the sleep deprivation and win, they’re out of the game.
Day Four –
Challenge #5: Have our contestants recovered from yesterday’s ordeal? Who cares! It’s time for the ultimate talent show! Each contestant has to dance and sing(the song and choreography will be completely original and created by the contestant) a duet with their partner, who will be predetermined by us. Each of these partners will of course be uncoordinated accountants who lack any form of vocal ability. If the contestants fail to succeed in putting on a flawless performance, they will not move on to the next round.
Challenge #6: Remember how we forced our contestants to find their soulmates yesterday? Good! Because now they’re all getting married! Each contestant has to design outfits for the wedding day from scratch. If the look isn’t up to snuff, they will not be moving on.
Day Five –
Challenge #7: The seventh challenge is quite possibly the most challenging difficult of them all. The final contestants will be given 24 hours to renovate a house. If the house is not structurally sound or even one of the design requirements set by the owners has not been met, it’s game over.
So yeah, this idea is a little longer than the others. But it would be thrilling to see who makes it to the end and earns the prize money: A $15 gift card for Outback Steakhouse!

Slow and Going SteadyRomancing the Sloth
Who cares about dating shows anymore? They aren’t interesting! Everyone that does them is clearly only interested in slightly famous. The relationships also never last, and the people are all just so horrible. It’s not fun to watch anymore. Even the gimmicky dating shows don’t commit to their ideas. If they actually blinded the people on Love Is Blind, I would probably watch it. But it’s time to make a dating show that’s real and pure and innocent. It’s time to make a dating show that causes people to go “Awwwwww.” And that’s Slow and Going Steady, the sloth dating show. Are you sick of dating shows that seem to end right after they begin? Because it’s not a problem here! It’ll take at least two seasons for the Slothilda to finish passing out the first batch of roses! This show about sloth love is cute, cuddly, and horrifyingly sincere. If you want to watch a bunch of male sloths in tuxedos woo a female sloth very slowly, then this is the show for you!

Sticks and StonesYes, Another Hospital Show
Are you sick of shows about police officers that always have the exact same characters and storylines over and over and over again? Are you sick of “really dramatic” hospital shows that seem to never end even though nobody likes or watches Grey’s Anatomy anymore and literally every good actor left and it’s just Ellen Pompeo now so for the love of God end it already? Well, we feel the same! So we’ve combined the two! Welcome to Muskrat, Minnesota. A small town with lots of crime, lots of sick people, and no money at all. Due to a recent round of budget cuts, the local police force and the hospital have combined! Now cops have to learn how to save people and surgeons have to learn how to stop criminals. And nobody is good at anything. And because it’s a cop show and a hospital show, there’s lots of sexual tension between every character. It won’t be good. But it’s a hospital show and a procedural. So you’ll watch it religiously.

Hats Off To You!An In-Depth Documentary Series
Hats. Why do we have them? What are they for? One could say something like “They’re obviously meant to look cool and keep the sun out of your eyes. Everyone knows that and this joke isn’t funny.” But do we know that for sure? Why are they really here? What is the true purpose of hats? Over the course of twelve hour and a half long episodes, we plan to get to the bottom of hats.

I know that, once again, there will be a race to get the rights to these TV shows. You know how to contact me. I hope you enjoyed this idea that very quickly ran out of steam. Let me know what else you think I should do to avoid reviewing the rest of Space Jam: A New Legacy!

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