Superpowers

Because I’m a known comic book fan I’ve been asked many times which superpower I would want to have. It’s an interesting question that I’ve thought about a lot, but I’ve never really come up with a definitive answer. Lately all the answers I can think of are mostly negative self-deprecative ideas that would inevitably end with me becoming much skinnier. Which obviously helps nobody, so I’m going to avoid those. So in order to finally figure out what power I would want, I thought I would list the most common powers and what I would do if I had them. Obviously this is a useless exercise, but this way I don’t have to say “I don’t know” the next time someone asks.

Flight
Pros
1. I could reach things that are really high up.
2. I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere.
3. It would be really easy to win games of Monkey in the Middle or Tag.
4. Dusting would be incredibly easy as well.
5. Crowded hallways would no longer be an issue for me.
Cons
1. I would never use my legs and they would atrophy.
2. Bugs would constantly be flying into my mouth.
3. The government would probably do experiments on me.
4. I have no coordination, so I would probably be flying into things all the time.
5. I also have no sense of direction, so I would end up flying in circles for like multiple hours. And then I’d have to use a GPS to find my way home. Then I’d end up dropping my phone and I wouldn’t have a phone anymore. How am I gonna find a phone store without a GPS? I don’t have that much money, so can I even afford a new phone? And then I’ll just be stuck in the sky forever, with no idea where to go. Just constantly being rained on for the rest of my life. I’ve changed my mind on flying. Flying sucks.

Super Strength
Pros
1. Lifting heavy things would be pretty cool.
2. I would never need help opening a jar again.
3. I could probably make a lot of money off of being strong, either by helping people or joining a circus.
4. Revenge would be very easy. If anyone slighted me I could just take something heavy and important to them and crush it or turn it upside down. So don’t splash me with puddles when you drive by or you’ll be in big trouble.
5. I guess it would also be really easy to fix crooked things that weigh a crap ton. So it would be a really good power in terms of my OCD.
Cons
1. I feel like everyone would want me to lift heavy things and I would end up like the sister in Encanto who sang about pressure while donkeys did a kick line.
2. It’s such a basic, one-note, uninteresting superpower. Most superheroes have enhanced strength. And if you’re a very strong character, you usually either have a bunch of other powers, like Superman, or something unique that makes you interesting, like the Hulk or the Thing. And I don’t want to have to rely on a physical deformity or some green inner demon to seem less boring.
3. If my strength doesn’t also come with a degree of invulnerability then I’m screwed. There’s nothing good about being able to punch through a wall if you’re going to rip all the skin off your arm in the process.
4. I don’t think I’d ever get the hang of my strength either. It would be just like right after Spider-Man got his powers, but every day until I die.
5. I just don’t really want super strength.

Teleportation
Pros
1. I could go whenever at any time instantly.
2. If my teleporting didn’t leave smoke or make a noise like Nightcrawler then I could prank people all the time. Teleport behind, shoulder poke, teleport away. I would make so many people go insane.
3. I wouldn’t need to worry about being late to things anymore, I guess? Teleportation and super speed have a lot of the same benefits, but they both suck for uniquely terrible reasons.
4. I could get injured people to the hospital right away. So that’s good, I guess.
5. I could jump scare people? I guess? This is a really lame superpower.
Cons
1. The atrophy thing would again come into play because I would just stop walking long distances. Or any distances.
2. I just don’t think this is a power that would be good to have. I also think that sleep-teleporting could happen whenever.
3. The possibility of me teleporting into the sky and then just falling to my death scares me.
4. I don’t really know how the trigger of making yourself teleport works. I kind of imagine I’d just be sitting in class, letting my mind wander, and then I’d just think of a random location and blip out.
5. I always wonder how teleportation is supposed to work. In comics the logic always seems to change depending on the character. Some teleporters can only go to places they’ve been, some can only go to places they can see. I’d be terrified of teleporting into a thing or a person or something. And then what? I’m either dead or merged with some random guy for the rest of my life.

Super Speed
Pros
1. I wouldn’t need to get a license or a car.
2. I could eat authentic Italian pizza literally whenever.
3. Also on the topic of food, my favorite restaurant growing up was Macaroni Grill, which got shut down many years ago. I could run back in time and eat there whenever. I may break the space-time continuum in the process, but I think it’s still worth it.
4. Homework would take no time at all. Even the process of sitting and trying to think of an answer or procrastinating working on homework would take no time at all.
5. You can’t get drunk with super speed. I personally have never been drunk, so I don’t really know if this is a pro or a con for me. But it’s definitely interesting.
Cons
1. The same bug thing that I mentioned above, but way, way worse.
2. I don’t have a handle of my metabolism right now, and I think I’d end up not eating enough and just wither to dust.
3. Much like teleportation, the opportunity to get stuck inside someone or something is still very much there.
4. As seen in the hit movie Justice League and the slightly better version, Zack Snyder’s Justice League, getting the power of super speed doesn’t magically make you a better runner. In those movies Barry Allen runs like a man who has never run before in his entire life. So I’m pretty sure I would try to run after getting my powers for the first time and then trip and then crack my head open on the golden arch of a McDonald’s.
5. I’ve read a lot of Flash comic books, so I know for a fact that this power is a particular hell for those with short attention spans. So my ADHD would be the death of me. And if I’m basing this off how fast Wally West is in the comics, I would very much be screwed. The Flash is fast enough that he’s traveled back in time and altered reality beyond recognition. And I’m not talking about the few changes that happened when they adapted Flashpoint in that stupid TV show. I mean the comic Flashpoint when he prevented the death of his mom and the whole world went to shit. Superman became a skinny government-owned bunker baby, Bruce Wayne got killed instead of his parents, and Aquaman and Wonder Woman went to war and broke the Earth in two. So I feel like I’d just go back in time one day and choose a different flavor of ice cream because the one I picked didn’t taste good, and when I get back to the present day there’ll be a nuclear war going on. Also Flash can run so fast that he can just get absorbed into the force that gives him his powers. There are so many stakes and consequences to having this power and I could not handle the pressure at all. I like the idea of the power but I don’t want to ruin Earth.

Batman Powers
In case you need clarification, Batman powers are when an individual with no powers does things that no real human being would be capable of doing. I think they still count as superpowers because even incredibly disciplined athletes would struggle to survive some of the things that characters like Batman, Green Arrow, Hawkeye, Black Widow, and many other non-powered characters have survived. It’s the power of being nearly invulnerable while doing physically impossible things. Like the characters in The Fast and The Furious movies.
Pros
1. Realistically I would have to give up sugar and all fatty, good-tasting foods in order to reach and maintain a level of physical prowess equal to that of these characters. And I would have to exercise 24/7. So if this is a superpower then technically I could get all of that without putting in any real work at all.
2. My least favorite people in life are all really nice people that are just slightly better at everything than me and very nice. So I could be that person, I guess?
3. I could run for a really long time without getting out of breath.
4. I’d probably be able to beat up Tom Cruise. I don’t know why I like that idea so much, because I honestly don’t mind Tom Cruise. He may be a weirdo insane man, but I think he’s fine. I guess the allure comes from the fact that he could easily kick the shit out of me now, and if I was like Batman that would change? This is a really vague power to include. I’m really just wondering what it would be like if I were Batman.
5. I’m gonna say that part of having Batman powers means I get a sassy British butler because I want a sassy British butler.
Cons
1. A common and very lazy way to end a comic book is to have the main character get caught in an explosion, so the reader is left wondering if the main character is still alive. But not really, because it happens too much. Batman specifically has had a lot of death fake outs, so I’m going to include that as an ability. And I, for one, don’t want to constantly almost die.
2. All of those characters are covered in scars from their misadventures and I don’t want that.
3. I would have to have a few different child sidekicks that die horrendous deaths so I could mourn them and continue fighting in their honor. And that doesn’t sound real good, so no.
4. I’d get shot a lot.
5. I just don’t think I have the mental or emotional stamina to live the lifestyle that these heroes live.

The 5 Powers Ranked
All of these are either boring or really dangerous and I don’t really know which of them I would prefer, so I’m going to rank them and I’ll probably do a different post covering other powers down the road.
5. Teleportation – This was the most unpredictable of the five and I’m an idiot. I don’t think this would end favorably for me. I would have put this above super speed, but I can kind of control super speed if I just don’t run. There’s no way to control this.
4. Super Speed – The possibility of destroying the universe may be high, but the likelihood of me merging with somebody or something is slightly lower.
3. Flight – I don’t want to get lost in the sky for the rest of my life. Also I didn’t get into it earlier, but everybody would want to go flying with me and I have sweaty hands and very little upper body strength, so I don’t foresee that ending well.
2. Super Strength – It may be a boring power, but the likelihood of me killing myself or others is much lower here.
1. Batman Powers – To be clear, the other four powers are kind of tied for last. I don’t like this one either, but I’d rather basically just be Batman then have any of those other freakish abilities. And that’s depressing.

I’m not entirely sure if this was anything, but I had fun writing it and thinking of horrifying hypotheticals. I’ve got some other posts planned for next week because I’m about to hit a milestone of sorts, but I think I’ll come back to this soon. Since I haven’t really answered the question I wanted to answer. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! Have a happy Friday!

2 thoughts on “Superpowers

  1. Batman powers would include a seemingly never ending inheritance too right? A lot of money is basically his main superpower anyways.

    Like

    1. That’s what I was thinking, but I didn’t want to over-generalize and leave out all the poor idiots who fight crime without powers and get the crap beat out of them.

      Like

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