I’ve decided to continue my weird, time-honored tradition of posting at least five brilliant movie ideas every three months. I’m not sure how much of a tradition it is because this is only my third time doing it. And is it really a tradition or is it just a pattern? How many times do you have to do something before it becomes a pattern? I don’t know. Sound off in the comments. Anyway, I think I’ve got great ideas and I’ve convinced myself that if I keep pitching stupid movies, Hollywood will come knocking. That’s the premise of this now ongoing joke, right? Let’s do some pitches.
Also I’m usually pretty tired but I’m especially exhausted today and I’m suffering from some bad sleep apnea(I’m constantly not breathing while I sleep, and apparently we as humans require oxygen to survive and that’s a bad thing), and I’m in the process of trying to procure a CPAP machine. But I need to do a sleep study first, and the earliest I could schedule one for is November fourteenth. So I’m just kind of sleepwalking and feeling like shit all day long. None of this means anything for my movie pitches, but I guess I’m trying to say that I’m fucking wiped and if none of this makes sense, that’s why. Don’t freak out if one of these pitches starts out as something and then just becomes sdilfeuelirhfb;iwqaDJKPqfengo.!),g.
It’s all good. I’m just asleep. Okay now we can do pitches.
Archibald Williams, Private Ear – You Don’t Have To See The Clues To Be A Detective
When a member of his mother’s book club is kidnapped in broad daylight, former cop and renowned private investigator Archibald Williams will have to journey into the seedy underbelly of Cheyenne, Wyoming in order to find her. The only things stopping him from saving Cheryl are an irritable middle-aged biker gang, a bloodthirsty snowstorm, an overwhelmingly persistent horse, and his own recently acquired inability to see. A head to head confrontation with a boat has knocked something loose in Archibald’s brain, leaving him temporarily blind. Now he has to learn how to be a detective without the use of sight. And he has to learn quick, because book club is in three days, and it’s Cheryl’s turn to bring snacks.
Vampire Guy – It’s Vampire Guy Time!
A renowned scientist with an alliterative name has spent his entire life searching for a cure to the unique disease that has haunted him his entire life. And now, months before his condition will deteriorate even further, the alliterative named scientist finally finds a cure. But at what cost? Very quickly everything goes wrong, and the cure he thought would fix everything turns him into a weird blurry vampire man that requires blood to survive. And to make matters worse, his childhood best friend who suffers from the same disease quickly catches wind that a cure exists. The scientist tries to make his friend understand what this cure will do, but the friend doesn’t listen, and instead takes the cure and frames the scientist for several vampire related murders. Their bloody feud soon comes to a head and the two former friends clash in a series of blurry and foggy fight scenes. It’s Vampire Guy vs Evil Vampire Guy! Who will win?!?! It’s Vampire Guy. He’s technically an anti-hero, even though he doesn’t do anything villainous or heroic or even interesting. And there’s a series of post-credits scenes that don’t make sense. This is an entirely original idea, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.
Getaway Dino – This Pterodactyl Really Knows How To Jurassic Park
Luigi the pterodactyl has been a getaway driver for as long as he can remember, helping the scum of the Earth flee from their nefarious crimes. And he can’t stomach it anymore. He’s fed up. One day, after a particularly bloody escape, Luigi decides to call it quits and spread his wings. Physically and metaphorically. But the criminal world isn’t quite ready to let go of him. If Luigi wants to move on he’ll have to face down dozens of professional criminals and his faithful former boss that doesn’t want to say goodbye to his best driver. It’s gonna be fine though. Because he’s a pterodactyl and literally everyone else is a human. Why is he the only dinosaur? Couldn’t say. Why is a pterodactyl driving cars? Don’t really know. But won’t it be fun to watch a getaway driver dinosaur rip a bunch of career criminals to shreds? Also the tagline is a pun about parking cars. Don’t know if you caught that.
The Submarine – A Boring Underwater Adventure
A sad and tired Naval officer named Jeremy Renner(No relation) has been given a new and troubling set of orders. He has been asked to spend the next four years of his life on a one-man exploratory expedition of the oceans. Which means four years in a submarine by himself. And after no time at all, Jeremy begins to go insane. He begins to wonder… Is someone else on the ship with him? Nope. He’s just sad and bored and lonely. He’s probably played by Christian Bale or Matt Damon. Anyone that’s good at playing an isolated man going insane. It isn’t an interesting movie, either. It’s a two and a half hour Oscar-bait flick that’ll get billions of awards even though nobody will watch it.
I’m gonna tap it at four excellent movie ideas today. As I said, I’m extremely tired. Thanks for reading this. I like having a blog, but I’m not always great at updating it. But if you’re looking forward to Black Adam, and I know that nobody is, I’ll be uploading a review for said film next week. So get ready for a most likely middling review of Dwayne “The Rock” Dwayne’s new movie. And also go see these real movie ideas when they get made for real. You know. The joke I do.