Welcome to another Top 10 List Extravaganza! Have you missed these? I know I have! Many things to cover, many things to rank! Many 10 things to talk about, all the time! This is a fun one, because it focuses on a question we’ve all had to ask ourselves for years, since we were children. And this one is gonna have a lot of gruesome what-ifs in store.

10. Phone (for police).
I know in the movie the police won’t listen to Kevin, but come on. What are we doing here? He should have and could have gotten help. He wanted to hurt those guys. He’s like Batman, he wants violence. But it is a boring option, so fuck calling for help. Don’t do it.

9. Cheese Grater.
This is the obvious choice because you can use it in a variety of ways. You can tie it to a string and pull it past the burglar’s legs. You can line the floor with several graters after you burn their shoes off or whatever. And Kevin has very rich parents, you saw how big that house was. The only thing is, it’s an incredibly horrifying way to attack somebody. I can’t remember if they used one in the fucked Home Alone scene of the now classic Holiday film Violent Night. I don’t think they did, it’s too much. I wouldn’t want someone to attack me with a cheese grater. Yucky.

8. Saber-Toothed Cat.
When we talk about commonly utilized household objects, you can’t ignore the obvious, the saber-toothed cat. You know how everyone owns an animal that definitely isn’t extinct and everyone has named said animal after female actresses? So when Joe Pesci arrives, sic Meg Ryan or Melanie Griffith on him! And if they’re asleep, send Dame Judi Dench and Katharine Hepburn out! Does this make sense? Does this bit work? Or are we all going fucking insane? What’s that? It’s just me? Jesus Christ! Anyway, that tiger would tear the shit out of that old man. So. Yeah.

7. Nuclear bombs.
“KEVIIIIIIIIN!?!?! WHY DID YOU BLOW UP OUR HOUSE AND RENDER OUR NEIGHBORHOOD UNINHABITABLE??? YOUR MOTHER WON’T YELL AT YOU, BECAUSE SHE’S JUST HAPPY YOU’RE NOT DEAD AND JOHN CANDY TAUGHT HER TO BE ZEN OR SOMETHING, BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK?!?! KEVIIIIIN!!! I WAS IN SHARKNADO AND NOW I’M DEAD, KEVIN!!!”

6. Acid (Both kinds).
Imagine Joe Pesci is screaming and crying because you just threw a vial of bone-dissolving acid at his foot. And when he came in you shot a tab of acid into his mouth and he’s screaming and crying while he hallucinates that every aspect of his life is happening around him all at once and he thinks he’s a duck. Fuck you, Joe Pesci. You’re gonna go insane with my dueling different kinds of acid method.

5. Exercise equipment.
It’s simple and efficient. Everybody has some hand weights laying around, a bowling ball in the garage, a jumping rope you can trip someone with, a variety of workout materials. And if you have a treadmill, you can use it to shoot things at your break-in criminals. But also you might accidentally cave in somebody’s skull, which is not fun to see. I don’t know. It works in the scenario we’re working with.

4. Sharp things.
Sharp things are sharp. Sharp things are bad. Sharp things make blood bleed. And there’s so many sharp things to choose from. And you can make your own if you have a window or several glasses or a hammer to hit the toilet with. Maybe you could attack the burglars with the book Sharp Objects, or the TV adaptation starring Amy Adams.

3. The Crippling Reminder That Some Of The People The Burglars Love Are Probably Dead.
The burglars in the movie are middle-aged men. They’re robbing you for the thrill of it but also because they desperately need the cash. I’d bet money that one parent and at least three grandparents are dead dead dead. I’m sure there were some pets, too. Nothing crushes the spirit like the death of a loved one. You will wield this as your weapon. “I bet Gran-Gran wouldn’t want to see you like this!” If you are a little kid like Kevin, act creepy and possessed. “Walter, this is your Mother and I am furious with you, you naughty boy!” Go into the back yard and dig up the remains of your cat and lay it out in the front walkway. Even if they didn’t have a cat, it’s spooky.

2. Real weapons.
I’m well aware that Kevin McCallister lives a very affluent lifestyle, and John Heard or Catherine O’Hara must have very prestigious jobs, but surely one of them likes to go hunting on the weekends. Anyway, this isn’t their house, it’s yours. So if you have shotguns and machetes and Uzis and nunchucks, this should be your first port of call, really. Ideally in this scenario you know how to use these things, or it’ll end badly for you. Don’t let it end badly.

1. Underground apocalypse bunker.
At the end of the day, the best weapon to use against home invaders is preparedness. And really, the best thing about the underground apocalypse bunker is it has most of the things you need to attack criminals already. It has most of the things on this list, if you’ve stocked it correctly. It also has large shelves that you can push onto people, if you’ve seen the movie Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, or most period piece action movies, which has always been confusing to me that that’s a trope. And really, you don’t need to have anything in the bunker at all. If you know the robbers are coming you can empty it out and lock those assholes down there until they die. So yeah. Enjoy your Home Alone scenario!