Hey, everybody! Christmas has come and gone, and I was too tired and distracted by life to write about it on the day. But I thought we could all use some timely advice for next year’s weirdest festive season. Want to know how to handle your weird political relatives in the wake of a frustrating and scary year? Want to know how to smile in a way that only sort of masks your obvious fear and depression, when your self-loathing bubbles to the top and threatens to break you, and you’re terrified you’ll just start screaming at the Yule Log? Want some great gift ideas? Actually that’s a great idea. But none of these are being covered.
I’m exclusively going to be discussing everyone’s bearded pal, the real bearded man in the red suit. What’s the best thing to do with Santa? You’ll find out! Let’s do it! Oh also, if you’re less than ten or eleven years old, you shouldn’t read this. Or any of my posts actually. Wait… stick around. I could use the clicks.

10. Kill him.
I mean… obviously, right? It’s the go-to. For a few reasons. One, he’s a mythical creature who probably isn’t real, so you’re a bad-ass if you manage to take this dude out. Two, if it isn’t the mythical creature, and it’s just some weird old man at the mall, you may be done in for manslaughter, but those guys are sketchy. Three, if Tim Allen is anything to go by, you will become Santa. Maybe you aren’t up to it though. Seems like a lot of work, really. I definitely don’t want to be Santa. Anyway, murder!

9. Elf fight club.
I feel like Santa does this already, and maybe sometimes he brings in a reindeer if one of the elves is getting over-confident. It’s a fun way to make money, and you get to watch dudes in pointy hats beat the shit out of each other. If Santa was real, he’d spend all his time making bets on his underlings, you just know it. He does fuck-all, so he’d have to, he’d be bored. You know they’ve got great upper body strength too, they have to build most of the toys and they’re doing all the manual labor. And this is unrelated, but I’m very curious what elves think of Will Ferrell. Hmmm.

8. Fuck with Jeff Bezos.
I know he technically doesn’t own the company anymore, but you think he wouldn’t be pissed off that a fictional character is delivering things more efficiently than him? I’m pretty sure this was the whole plot of the first season of the Santa Clauses TV show, which I regretfully watched. Kal Penn corporatized Christmas and made stupid decisions and everyone got sad and the spirit of Christmas almost died or something. I mean… shut up. There is no spirit of Christmas. Christmas is a bullshit holiday that almost exclusively just stresses the fuck out of everybody. What? I’m off track again? Messing with Jeff. Ruining a company. Yeah.

7. Binge all the Santa movies.
It’s not a particularly interesting idea, but it would be nice to hear his take, no? See who or what his fave is? Does he prefer Kurt Russell? Ed Asner? Tim Allen? What’s his take on Bad Santa and Violent Night? I don’t know, he’s a weird dude. He delivers shit to every person on Earth every year and every culture has their own interpretation of him. Maybe he doesn’t care that he was played by Mel Gibson once. But I’d love to see his reaction. I could make a whole series of YouTube reaction videos out of it, too.

6. Write a song about normal people.
There’s too many songs about Santa. “I wrote Santa a list!” “Santa’s on his way!” “I asked Santa for an elephant because it’s a good idea for a children to have access to a giant fucking animal!” “I want to have sex with Santa!” “Santa’s slave deer are racist!” I’m sick of it. Aren’t you? And you know who I bet is really sick of it by now? The man himself. I want to hear him lay down a track about all the weirdos that are so obsessed with him. Hear what he has to say about Mariah Carey and Michael Bubbly and such. Interesting? Maybe not.

5. Therapy.
Whether you’re the therapist or the therapee, you be the one to decide. Personally, I’d want to be the one dissecting that weird gray noodle of his. The man has been around for decades. There are dozens of other versions of his Santaness. I want to know what he has to say. He spends his time shoving his ass into chimneys and bringing crappy gifts to increasingly cynical children, most of whom, like myself, believe he is a fictional creation and this post is stupid. That would depress me.

4. Pranks.
Very straightforward, but think of what you could do if that mystical Christmasy power was in the wrong hands, like my hands. I’d give people the wrong gifts, or use the magic spacial wishy washiness to shove another house down a chimney. Or a fridge. I find it very funny, the concept of gifting everyone in the world a fridge. Fridges and beanbag chairs. And when the families come out, they get jump scared by elves jumping out of the bean bags. Heh.

3. Go to space.
This ties well into #8, I’d say, since space is Bezos’s realm. I’d just like to see if it was possible, really, to travel all that way in a rickety sleigh. What even is a sleigh, by the way? Is it one of those things that was created in particular for the legend of Santa Claus? I’m sure many know why it exists, from where it was created, that it’s available on the internet, but who gives a fuck really. I just want to fly. See if the sleigh could protect me from space.

2. Get drunk or high, wherever the mood is at.
He seems like a chill dude. And when he gets the munchies you can go anywhere. Do anything. Delicious stuff.

1. Discuss atheism with Santa.
I don’t do my research, I don’t know these things. I would assume in some way that the legend of Santa Claus is tied into that of Jesus somehow. Maybe he is Jesus. I know very little about Jesus, about the Bible. I didn’t attend enough of my Bible in Literature class, but I do think it would be truly interesting to see what his take on religion is, to explain to him that at the core of being, at the end of the day, no such evidence exists that any higher deity could be real, let alone Santa himself. But who am I to say? I just want to watch the movie Heretic, where Hugh Grant debates such things, and I think this film would be more interesting than anything I’ve said here. Yes?