About three months ago I decided that the best way to break into Hollywood was to tell them my ideas directly. That way they could come to me and option all my excellent movie ideas. But for some reason, nobody ever contacted me about any of my pitches. I’ve thought long and hard about why that would be, and I’ve come to the conclusion that they need more of my ideas before they bite on any of them. Obviously I’m a genius who will make them billions of dollars, and they want to get as much genius out of me as possible. Don’t worry, Hollywood. I got the message. Which is why I will now present six new movie pitches that came directly from my brilliant blob of brain. Let’s do it!
Mobsters Love Aliens – A Beautiful Story You Won’t Soon Fugget About
In the time-honored tradition of Monsters vs Aliens and Cowboys and Aliens, we bring you Mobsters Love Aliens. Johnny Two-Toes is the most feared and respected mob boss in all of Salt Lake City. He controls every major criminal operation in Utah. He has all the money, women and drugs he could ever ask for. But there’s something missing. He just doesn’t know what it is et. Until a spaceship crash-lands in the middle of his nightclub, leaving him with a parasitic face-hugging alien to take care of. Watch as Johnny learns how to be a father to Tony the alien. Laugh and cry as Tony and Johnny teach other that sometimes there’s more to life than brutal murder. And sometimes the only way to someone’s heart is to latch onto their face and suck out all of their organs.
Severed Ties – Bow-Shaped Brutality
When Trent went looking for a new suit at the local second-hand clothing emporium, he found what he referred to as a “killer new look”. He had no idea how right that statement was. Along with his new suit he acquired a gaudy and goofy looking bow tie. And of course he had no idea that the bow tie was possessed by the spirit of Anthony the Abnormal, a small-time magician and escape artist who disappeared in 1957. Anthony was blacklisted by the magic community when they discovered his trick for escaping straight jackets: Having no arms. Now he’s using his one connection to this plane of existence to get his revenge. One at a time. Because this flag isn’t just ugly as hell; it also kills.
Two Sad Teens Fall In Love – The Other Details Are Irrelevant
Do you remember how The Fault In Our Stars was pretty popular, and because of that we decided to adapt every angsty young adult romance novel we could get the rights to? This is one of those. There may be a sci-fi or fantasy twist to the movie. There may not be. It could be a little supernatural or magical. Or not. Who cares? The teens could be sick in some way or in space, or just regular depressed teens. It really doesn’t matter. We don’t even know which book we’re going to adapt, and we also don’t care. All we need is two slightly attractive people who look kind of like teenagers and have no chemistry together. Both of them are depressed and the guy is probably a bit of a stalker. It won’t be a same-sex relationship, because why would we give other people a story they can relate to? And at the end, either one or both of them will be dead, because we wouldn’t want to have a happy ending, would we? You don’t even need to see it. We gave it a $1000 budget. We really just want your money.
Deadly Appetites – Eat, Pray, Love… And Murder?
If you’ve ever worked at a restaurant, you’ve probably heard rumors of a deadly boogeyman. A remorseless killer. Nobody knows his real name, only the name he gave himself: The Health Inspector. Rumor has it that he was an assassin who lost his family to deadly food poisoning from some undercooked seafood. Now he hunts down and kills any restauranteur who has the gall to serve ill-prepared food. But this quest has made him some very deadly enemies. And these enemies have hired Jake Hanson, an ex-marine and sous chef, to stop the Health Inspector once and for all. But in the middle of their deadly war, Jake and the Inspector realize they may actually enjoy each other’s company. But more than that, they might even… love each other??? Will love conquer all and turn these mortal enemies into partners in crime? Or will Jake fulfill his contract? Find out in this explosive action thriller coming soon to theaters near you! Or not. Do what you want.
Quicksand Man – Sink Into Adventure
Scientist and explorer Augustus Wyatt was on safari in Africa hunting for a new element when his life changed forever. He was looking at a bunch of vials of weird and science chemicals when, out of nowhere, a rhino charged at him and kicked him into a pit of quicksand. The chemicals in the vials seeped into August and the quicksand, combining the two in the process and turning them into a new being known only as Quicksand Man! No longer a man and no longer mere quicksand, he fights crime as a being made of sand. But not like other fictional characters with similar powers and names. Augustus fights crime by appearing underneath criminals and making them sink into him. Watch as Augustus struggles with his new form and learns to love himself again. Gasp as you bear witness to his cinematically unimpressive final battle against his nemesis, Mr. Vacuum. Quicksand Man. Your new favorite hero. Let that sink in.
Cool and Good-Looking Blogger Guy: The Movie – He’s Smart Too!
There have been a lot of biopics about historical figures, tech geniuses, musicians, actors, athletes, and authors. Everyone gets a movie about them these days. Even the jerk that The Wolf of Wall Street was about got a movie. It was called The Wolf of Wall Street. So why not make a movie about moderately successful bloggers? Maybe he isn’t great at consistently posting, but his 60ish blog posts have made him one of the most beloved people currently living. I’m a big fan of that guy even though I don’t remember his name at the moment. So this movie is about the cool, good-looking blogger guy and his weird adventures that he goes on with his best friend and confidant, actor Paul Rudd. That’s it. You should watch it.
Again, sorry for all the post delays. I don’t think there will be a consistent release schedule for these posts for a bit but I’m gonna try to post every Friday if I can. Ruddtrospectives are on pause for now. And starting next week I’m gonna try something new that I hope you guys enjoy. Anyway, I hope you liked this. Go see these movies when they get made!
Too Many Servings Of John 
I’ll contribute to a Kickstarter for the sad teens so long as the actors playing them are clearly in their mid thirties. Also people are into multiverses now so I would recommend having the killer bowtie show up in the quicksandverse.
LikeLike