Writing
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Today’s my day off! I could try and rope someone into taking me to Grand Marais, but I’d much rather sit around and do nothing. But I also wanted to write a blog post. And since I’m doing nothing, I’m going to write about nothing. Real stream of consciousness shit. Completely different from my other Read more
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I wanted to start writing short stupid stories in different formats. And this week I decided to write my own fairy tale. It’s not like we have any good new fairy tales, right? It’s all pigs and wolves and shoes and beanstalks and other crap. Let’s get some new blood in there. I’m sick of Read more
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For many reasons that don’t really make sense, I chose to spend my summer working at a summer camp that sends campers out on canoe portaging trips in the Boundary Waters. Despite the fact that it isn’t something I would normally do, I’ve been having a pretty good time so far. I just returned from Read more
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About three months ago I decided that the best way to break into Hollywood was to tell them my ideas directly. That way they could come to me and option all my excellent movie ideas. But for some reason, nobody ever contacted me about any of my pitches. I’ve thought long and hard about why Read more
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I’m not the first person to point out how unrealistic some songs can be. You could go on Spotify right now and listen to over a thousand different songs about getting drunk and partying and having the best day of your life. Now I’ve never gotten drunk myself, but from what I’ve heard from people Read more
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A few months ago I was at work during an extremely short campus-wide power outage. It was probably about five seconds long. But I kept saying to everyone how I wished I had been in the elevator when it happened. How that would be such a great story to have. Everyone looked at me like Read more
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It feels as if the ground is buckling under me with each slippery step. The unforgiving concrete has been coated with what must have once been a fine white powder. But now the thick paste surrounding my soaking feet looks a lot more like day-old excrement. No matter how far up the hill I seem Read more
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Welcome to my fiftieth blog post!!! I did it! Yaaaaaaaaay. Thank you to everyone who has read my posts so far. And no thank you if you aren’t reading my blog. I can definitively say that if you’ve never read my blog then you aren’t my friend and I don’t like you. Because you aren’t Read more
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Because I’m a known comic book fan I’ve been asked many times which superpower I would want to have. It’s an interesting question that I’ve thought about a lot, but I’ve never really come up with a definitive answer. Lately all the answers I can think of are mostly negative self-deprecative ideas that would inevitably Read more
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Spoilers for the movie This Is 40, Judd Apatow’s second depressing movie about being forty years old. This Is 40(2012) stars Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Maude Apatow, Iris Apatow, Jason Segel, Chris O’Dowd, Robert Smigel, Annie Mumolo, Megan Fox, Charlyne Yi, Albert Brooks, John Lithgow, and Melissa McCarthy. It was written and directed by Judd Read more
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Following the immense success of my five weird movie pitches, I thought I should take my talents to another industry entirely. Why stop with movies when I can make way more money off these incredibly lucrative ideas I have? It’s time for me to take my talents to TV! Hoopy Days – Hoop Springs EternalWillard Read more
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I have a lot of really weird ideas rolling around in my head that I just need to get on paper. So I thought I could do it in the form of movie pitches! So we’ll see how this goes. And if anyone has any suggestions on how to continue to avoid finishing my Space Read more
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I fell asleep during my Communications class again today. The teacher didn’t notice, because he’s teaching 120 students in a big lecture hall. It sounds like I didn’t snore this time, and I doubt anyone else noticed. I also record the lectures for this class, so I really didn’t miss anything. It’s all good. At Read more
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As I step out the door I feel the chill begin to creep through my bodyIf I don’t move quickly I soon won’t be able to move at allI’m ten feet away from my apartment and my legs are already going numbI knew I should’ve worn something thicker than my Space Jam: A New Legacy Read more
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What is it about holidays that makes them think they’re better than normal days? What makes December 25th better than October 9th or April 23rd? I think it’s time we show more appreciation for regular days. Celebrate the in-between moments. Like January 14th. It’s not a holiday. There’s no significance. But isn’t that good? Holidays Read more
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For the sake of tradition, I will now write a list of things that I will not end up doing in the coming year, so I can look back at this and get super depressed 364 days from now. Let’s do it! Be funnier. Go on more adventures. Figure out how to make the stubble Read more
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As a gift to myself I have decided not to write some long involved poem or joke interview or story about evil corporations. There are so many “funny takes” on the holiday season and I really just don’t see the point of adding my own. Especially because I’ve been focused on my posts for next Read more
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John VS Plumbing A few nights ago the City of Duluth decided to turn off the water everywhere for reasons that remain unclear. This occurred at an inopportune time. I had just gone to the bathroom and I went to wash my hands. The bathroom faucet decided not to cooperate. “Hmmmmm.” I tried to turn Read more
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The clock tells me that the time is currently 1:13 AM. My brain tells me I should sleep. My body tells me I should sleep. The fact that I have class in the morning means I should probably go to sleep. But I’d rather listen to podcasts, eat Wheaties, and play Project: Makeover. My brain Read more
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Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, enjoying some excellent turkey(Unless you’re vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian or something else I’m forgetting), and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. Read more
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Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. And nobody is thanking them. Over the Read more
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Thanksgiving is a holiday all about reuniting with your loved ones, eating good pie, and appreciating what you have. For some of us. Unfortunately, there are some out there sacrificing more than we could ever comprehend so we can enjoy this joyful time of year. And nobody is thanking them. Over the last month I Read more
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I’m lost Struggling Grasping for breath beneath the unrelenting waves Of tacky desk confectionaries A nearby aisle assaults me with wicker baskets While I’m nearly strangled by some soft blankets The scented candles attempt to burn me alive I try to run To escape But trip over a fuzzy ottoman that’s been on sale since Read more
Too Many Servings of John 